Well...not going to argue or agree with that one...
I guess first I'll talk out the abstinence thing. I decided on it about six weeks ago, because I wanted to decide exactly how I felt about sex and sexual activity, thought it was time to take a step back and do some evaluating. I've been doing that, but I've also been so busy that I couldn't really stop and think about it. I think, at least in my experience, it's as easy or difficult to have sex as it is to not have sex. Not sure if that makes sense, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I think the bottom line I've decided upon is that it's time for me personally to be done with casual sex. I think sex is wonderful but I think it is very much dulled when it is not meaningful, when you do not have a connection and attraction to a person outside of simple lust.
Casual sex is pointless. But is it harmful? At one point I was conceptualizing casual sex similarly to thinking about eating sweets. Eating ice cream is pointless. Eating a mint chocolate chip double scoop ice cream cone does nothing for me, it just makes me feel good. But is it harmful? Well I think casual sex and ice cream differ on a spiritual and emotional level, they both might seem harmless if you have them once in awhile...but with casual sex there is much more to lose. I think you give a lot of yourself when you have sex, a lot of your physical energy, but also when sex is casual there's something at risk. There's the concept of sexual imprinting that says that each sexual experience kind of has a compounded impact on the way one thinks about and experiences sex. But also there's a high risk of abuse. I mean emotional abuse (though physical abuse is definitely also a risk and happens often), with sex one little thing going awry, one odd mutter or request can bring immediate and extreme discomfort. That discomfort could very much stick with you, it's stuck with me.
So the conclusion to the abstinence...no more casual sex. Only meaningful sex, with a partner i know well and trust with myself.
Onto the stress...
Well I guess im a little nervous, or scared, or just feeling really off my game.
Once again I'm in the library, I'm here a lot these days. Alone.
I guess I feel more alone that I've been in awhile. Because I've been in pretty serious relationships since I was 15! And in the few spaces of time when there wasn't a serious relationship there were fillers. Crushes I knew were mutual, random hookups, something.
Now that I'm cutting down on the fillers I feel very much alone.
And then my other ways of relieving stress are becoming equally less accessible. Can't shop because I don't have money. Can't paint, because if I'm painting I need to be filming and I need a memory card because I lost mine and I can't buy one because I'm broke! Exercising does work, but somehow all my other "being down" feeling just disappears during practice and comes right back the minute I leave. So it's more a distraction than a relief.
Anyway, after meeting Terrie Williams and talking to her about her book, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting, I'm going to go vent in mental health today. Lol, not because there's anything wrong, just because I'd like to vent my stress to someone who isn't going to internalize it and therefore also be stressed out!
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