cycles.

i've been trying to think of myself in relation to my cycles, there are things I've realized about myself, but becoming conscious of my vices hasn't stopped me from giving into them. one vice is attention. hmm, this goes back to ego. i think everyone craves attention, my problem is i want it when I want it, but not when I don't. I consider myself a somewhat self-contained (private?) person, but often my perception of myself doesn't agree with what other people think of me. Despite the fact that I like to be able to keep to myself at times, I also need constant validation, but then I would argue that it doesn't take much, as long as I get it, just a little bit of it, I'm good to go. Ugh, not going into detail. The bottom line is I feel like I need to check myself...before I wreck myself, some time soon.

FILM!

I've been on set 3 weekends in a row, crazy hours, in all different roles and I love it. I'm working on a bigger set with a full crew, a student production, and its amazing. I have so much fun with them and I learn a lot. I've done production design, helped with the producers role, grip and electric, blocking, stan-in, mundane PA tasks and its been brilliant. Bummed not to be with them this weekend, but I had to do my own thang...

So I shot my first shoot last night (more on this later I'm too tired to think straight and do it justice), completely flipped my bedroom and its strange, in theory i like it better this way, its cleaner, sleeker, more adult, more like a bachelor, haha, essentially how i think in my head my room should look when I'm really grown, really have my own place. Had to take my 9 Bob posters off the wall to prepare and now I kind of miss them. We'll see if I decide to live in my set or return to my space.

thoughts:

Actors are incredible. The idea of living out your emotions constantly, being so raw, so real, bearing your soul for constant scrutiny day-to-day is wild. I'm an artist, but acting it something completely different. I know one thing for sure I will never be, and thats someone who takes actors for granted or disrespects them.

I can do this. I've been so afraid of being here, in this space, this place, this environment. But I realized that it's really just about who you are as a person, just as everything is. I've been so nervous I forgot that its really just about relationships with people, and that's what I really care about too. Living a life where I can form relationships and create art is all I want to do, and this is for sure the space to do it.

Community. I am building a community, and I realize it is a network, but it goes far beyond the word "networking" a phrase which I disdain the connotations of, but for me its less like a spider web and more like a cocoon.