jaded, the healthy alternative?

I think I'm starting to understand what it is like to be in Los Angeles, and now I am more conscious of the things that I was afraid of in the first place. I was afraid to come to LA because I thought people would be superficial and fake, and arriving here, I've been very pleased to find a community of old friends, and meet some wonderful new friends who have helped me reaffirm my faith in humanity, artists, and people who just have a certain understanding about the ways of the world, systems, human behavior and relationships with people.

However I've also begun to understand how being here could make me jaded, and the strangest thing about it, is that I'm not sure if it is unhealthy or a "necessary" reality check. The ting that has made me realize it most is my relationships with people, and the hardest part about this past week is that I feel like all I hear is a big I told you so from my ex echoing in my head, and the thing is that he never even meant it like that.

I am used to living in a reality which I am beginning to realize, though I've neared this realization before and pushed it off as pessimism, that my reality, my rules, my way of viewing the world around me, and perhaps most importantly my expectations of people and what relationships mean and work, isn't the norm. My ex hurt me bad once, he said something to the effect of, "You need to stop thinking that everyone you are invested in is as invested in you, because they aren't." And that hurt. That hurt because I've tried so hard to find a community despite the fact that I've never lived anywhere for more than four years and have trouble being truly vulnerable with people because I don't necessarily see them as permanent. I value my relationships with people, but I've more recently in the past few years been realizing what it means to not only invest in people you see on the daily, but make real efforts to reconnect with others, stay present even when not physically present. And it isn't easy, and I can't say I'm good at it.

But being out here is different. The kind or behavior that I grew up considering to be respectful, intuitive, second-nature, all of these things that I took for granted, rules like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" are not necessarily rule for everyone. Or perhaps that isn't even it entirely, because its a combination of being willing and able to be available to people, to have an "its just nice to be nice" outlook on life, but then it also has to do with being able to recognize what people want and need.

At times it might be just recognizing if someone is lonely, if someone is bad at asking for help but needs it, if someone is just having a tough time and might need a hug...because I do very truly believe in the power of human touch.

It's strange because just last week I had a conversation with a wonderful friend of mine who was saying that there was something very wonderful in the way that I am not jaded. But this week I wonder if its just something that should be chalked up to naivete. I don't know if my naivete is something I want to hold on to or not. I want to hold on to it, I want to be someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. But I'm realizing that this is often a lifestyle that leads to hurt, pain, disappointment, complications, or just straight up awkwardness and miscommunication.

I don't want to be jaded, I kind of want to be naive, if being naive is just being equated with being nice, and happy, and carefree and optimistic, and trying to do the right thing. I have always thought a lot of this outlook on life comes from my faith in God, my confidence, because I do not feel alone, because I have a relationship with God that makes me just want to do the right thing, help people when I can, try to make people smile. But now thinking about it, I see the turn the other cheek thing more clearly, and the fact that the answer to how many times to turn the other cheek is seventy times seven means a lot of pain. So does being Christian in that way, among a community of people in the world who do not believe the same way or react the same way mean a lot of constant pain. I would say yes, but then if I go back to Eckhardt Tolle I see that the pain comes mainly from the disappointment, from the realization that things are not reciprocal, that everyone doesn't see the world the same way you do. And if that is the case than the key is just to be nice, do things for other, try to meet others where they are, always go out on a limb for people, always try to come through in the clutch, try to be the reliable one, the ride or die chick, and not expect anything in return. And that, that is a hard road to walk. And one that, unless you are extremely involved in a Christian Community (which I don't necessarily know if I want to be, because for some reason I always feel like I'm not doing enough, don't care enough, perhaps am not naive enough, because I don't want to give everything that I feel like these communities are constantly asking of me) where you are not seemingly the only one attempting to walk that path, is a hard and lonely road.

So right now its almost as if I am considering becoming jaded, considering putting on a tough shell, just to not be constantly upset or feel so easily hurt by things that probably shouldn't hurt me.

cycles.

i've been trying to think of myself in relation to my cycles, there are things I've realized about myself, but becoming conscious of my vices hasn't stopped me from giving into them. one vice is attention. hmm, this goes back to ego. i think everyone craves attention, my problem is i want it when I want it, but not when I don't. I consider myself a somewhat self-contained (private?) person, but often my perception of myself doesn't agree with what other people think of me. Despite the fact that I like to be able to keep to myself at times, I also need constant validation, but then I would argue that it doesn't take much, as long as I get it, just a little bit of it, I'm good to go. Ugh, not going into detail. The bottom line is I feel like I need to check myself...before I wreck myself, some time soon.

FILM!

I've been on set 3 weekends in a row, crazy hours, in all different roles and I love it. I'm working on a bigger set with a full crew, a student production, and its amazing. I have so much fun with them and I learn a lot. I've done production design, helped with the producers role, grip and electric, blocking, stan-in, mundane PA tasks and its been brilliant. Bummed not to be with them this weekend, but I had to do my own thang...

So I shot my first shoot last night (more on this later I'm too tired to think straight and do it justice), completely flipped my bedroom and its strange, in theory i like it better this way, its cleaner, sleeker, more adult, more like a bachelor, haha, essentially how i think in my head my room should look when I'm really grown, really have my own place. Had to take my 9 Bob posters off the wall to prepare and now I kind of miss them. We'll see if I decide to live in my set or return to my space.

thoughts:

Actors are incredible. The idea of living out your emotions constantly, being so raw, so real, bearing your soul for constant scrutiny day-to-day is wild. I'm an artist, but acting it something completely different. I know one thing for sure I will never be, and thats someone who takes actors for granted or disrespects them.

I can do this. I've been so afraid of being here, in this space, this place, this environment. But I realized that it's really just about who you are as a person, just as everything is. I've been so nervous I forgot that its really just about relationships with people, and that's what I really care about too. Living a life where I can form relationships and create art is all I want to do, and this is for sure the space to do it.

Community. I am building a community, and I realize it is a network, but it goes far beyond the word "networking" a phrase which I disdain the connotations of, but for me its less like a spider web and more like a cocoon.

Regret. is a killer, regret is linked with guilt for me, and i allow myself to be eaten up, swallowed up. I bargain with myself, make promises, and decisions, and then regret them, don't listen to myself, talk myself out of things in the moment. Somethings gotta give. And its got something to do with me. Or its gonna be a downward cycle.

Faith: Undefined

today i eat breakfast with the voice of mars blackman echoing in my head, though i'm far from home, nyc, my mentors, the dear brooklyn i've created for myself as a home in my head, i know i'm in the right place. despite the pressure, and the fear i just cant seem to shake. i feel already behind when I'm not, i'm worried work will overwhelm me, money will run out, and I'll have nothing to show for it. I'm full of fear in a way that I haven't been in the past. My constant observing keeps me on the outside of most interactions except in the most intimate of settings and conversations.

but its okay? its okay? its alright? I hear myself ask myself in a Mars Blackman refrain that only Spike Lee can accomplish and have it be endearing rather than annoying. The Nola Darling in my head smiles and laughs as I take my first bite of reheated orzo for breakfast and confirm to myself, yes, its alright. its okay, its good, and laugh out loud at how ludicrous it all is.

Salim said yesterday in the most real joke ever, "I want to change the world through my films." He followed up with, "its not even about the money." He laughed, and I laughed at this clear ring of truth because its true, its so true, its all we are set out to do. What a goal, with one so large its hard to not be afraid, afraid of failure, afraid of the obstacles that will inevitably try to knock us to our feet, get us off our game, tell us we're nothing, we don't matter, no one cares about the inner lives of black characters, no one ever has. And its so untrue, but such an easy lie for the industry to sell.

I miss the feeling of security that seems so gone. I realize I no longer know how to define myself. I want to see it as freeing- Faith:Undefined. Instead I am afraid, I have no affiliations, I sat in the sun after a workout staring out at the pool, the unfamiliar campus, allowing the sun to shine down on me and choking back tears. My fear is palpable at times. There's no track team, no pi alpha, no fro-co team, no society. They are all there, they all still exist, but they are not the same. It is impossible not to notice that this affiliation inevitably has changed, if in no other way strictly because of the lack of physical space that once accompanied all of this, all of these ways in which I defined myself.

Fear is the worst, and guilt is right after. One emotion has replaced the other. Somehow I'll live with it. I'm anxious. Anxious and antsy, I can't stay still, don't feel I deserve to, don't want to be with myself for that long. I don't like the pressure I put on myself, or I don't want to face what I must do. I have so much catch up to do, I feel so unprepared to be here. but at the same time I know its the right place to be.

i'm creating a brand here....

here goes.

http://briggyfsugarcubes.blogspot.com/

sugar cube blog

i think its time for a new blog. its the best way to split up my multiple personalities and keep people updated on my life. this one is still my heart, where i pour out all of my crazy thoughts so thickly that hardly i even want to wade through the syrupy mess that i've created. the new blog will be just as sweet, but easy to understand and digest. like sugar cubes.