sigh

oh my gosh. is it awful that i just feel like the only outlet that will really get me out of this slump i'm feeling is sex? i mean i dont think so. i'm usually a really sexual person, the feeling i get from sex is like a cross between an amazing workout and a nice long cry, i feel so free, so carnal, so relaxed, and so refreshed. right now i just feel frustrated and overwhelmed, closed in, stuck. but i was doing the whole no sex thing...i haven't had sex for five months, and even then it was only once in the past 7 months. i'm not sure what i've learned, what I had hoped was just to be in touch with myself (not literally) and my feelings about sex and sexuality. i decided no casual sex, its not as good, and its kinda pointless. but have i accomplished anything specific? not sure I have, i've surprised a lot of my friends, but it was never about them, it was always about me, me, myself, and i, and being honest and upfront and open with myself and my desires, not using someone else as an outlet to run away from myself, though that's not quite what i think i was doing. getting out of such a long relationship just made me feel the need to refocus, and then multiple times within the refocusing period i thought i had refocused. its so weird, i'm such a relationship chick. but now what? im graduating, maybe moving across the country, and there's no one new and exciting that i'm interested in in that way right now. i just want a fling, the beginnings of the relationship, the fun stuff without the baggage of thinking about someone else and their wants and needs as much as your own. i can't do that again, not right now. sigh. oh well, i'm blessed in every other aspect of my life (and even this one, better single and happy than unhappy and/or unhealthy alone or with someone else) so i know i shouldn't be complaining, but its my blog...so i can

life, love, & process

uh oh. its been a little while. tumblr made me neglect my little ziggy here.

i want to talk about some things, so i can remember them, process them better, be honest with myself about them, if not understand them, at least store them in this archive. its important to me to be my own archivist. i'll even make them labels! accountability, clarity, god, community, love, ecv, art, death, vision, purpose, lent.

I guess another part of this year's resolution is starting now, in the season of lent, which I've never celebrated before. because i never understood it, had never been exposed to it. what the point of giving up sweets for 40 days? is it supposed to bring you closer to God? I never got it. I don't see the point of it, it's like going on a break from a relationship...pointless. Be together or don't be (not that I've never done it)

ECV: Elm City Vine Yard is the coolest little church I just found. I'm loving it, I was introduced to it by one of my friends whom (in the style of the great JPW) I'll name Overflows. So Overflows introduced me to ECV and now I love it, so based on information I've gotten from them, which I'm about to look over now. I'm going to try to understand Lent.

Starting to go to ECV as well as my interactions with Overflowing and seeing the way that God works in her life, her communities, and her interactions with other people has been both alarming and inspiring. How does someone manage to be so overflowing with love for others? What about taking care of yourself?

A few weeks before Valentine's Day I began thinking about the concept of radical love, it was suggested, imagine if we could radically love each other in this community, what that would look like, what that would feel like. I had to think about it. am I ready to radically love right now? I wanted to say yes, but I wasn't completely sure. If radical love consists of picking up everytime you call because I know you think you need me, staying up til 4 in the morning to be there for ou or just to spend time with you because i love you though I know my body doesn't function well on little sleep nor can I practice as well as I should when my body is this tired then that kind of love doesn't work for me. Is it radical if it's self deprecating?

I was inspired though on Valentine’s day, to write some little notes to some of the people I love but don’t tell as much. This year, a new group of friends I’ve entered has helped create a space in which the idea of radical love flows widely and openly, thanks to Overflowing of course. It is what I see that can happen in this community that I want to share with my friends outside of it. So I sat down and wrote to them about how much I love them, how I want to be there for them, want them to know that I’m investing my life in theirs, which is a very new phenomenon for me, one I’m not good at, but one that I want to try, need to try.

The whole investment thing has to do with investing in a community in people, and is tied up in the radical love concept. My parents see their best friends maybe twice a year, out of convenience more so then out of a need to see them, to be there for them, to know what is happening in their life, if they’ve cried recently, if their kids have won an award. If someone passed, if something they saw on the street inspired them. My parents don’t know these things about some of the people who mean the most to them unless someone breaks out of their normal cycle of things and makes a phone call. Listening to one of the leaders of ECV talk about a life lived investing in people and creating a loving community made me want to do exactly that. I want my friends to know that I want them to be my bridesmaids, godparents, aunties & uncles for my kids, vacation partners, and babysitters, lol, and I want to be the same for them. I want to be a shoulder for them to lean on, an ear they can vent to, someone to pray with, someone that picking up a phone to call is not awkward or nerve-wracking, regardless of the circumstances of the call. That’s the kind of stuff I told a few of my friends on Vday.

As for accountability, I think theirs is something great to be said about calling people out not only when they are doing dumb shit, but also when they are not doing all that they could be, when they are blocking themselves from reaching their full potential.

That’s all I have time for right now. Sadly.

new years resolution...

Ugh.

Ok, so my new years resolution might be a very good one. Thank god for the honesty of friends. My girl dead-pan and I were talking about us and men, our relationships with them etc. We’re both recently single…well not recently its been 8(me) and 6(her) months, but after 2 ½ and 5 year relationships, respectively…that’s not that long. After watching he’s just not that into you, which is a cute/funny flick but with all these sickly lovingly happy endings tied up in it, we were bemoaning our situations. The funny thing is that we both chose to be single, we both called the final shots. And not in the way that we think we did but the guy was just an ass long enough, which guys do and I hate but won’t get into right now. No. We broke the hearts of two really wonderful men whom we love; we broke their hearts. And she broke her own too. I can see them getting back together though, i think they will, they seem like they’ll get married, its just a matter of when. That’s crazy to think about, but it just makes all her in the meantime so much harder for her, I dunno how she does it, she’s a really strong chick, majority has been all long distance. I couldn’t do it.

But…since this is my blog, we’ll talk about me. So, I’m not sure how to begin so we’ll just start this way and then I’ll explain…I’m a catch.

Haha, I know I have a bit of an ego, but there’s a difference between being full of yourself and being confident, and I’m confident and its my blog, so its where I can be truthful. I aware of the fact that I am a catch, I know that I’m going places in my life, that I have my shit together pretty well, that I think and feel deeply, and that I love people very genuinely. I’ve had noting but fabulous relationships and I think that I make a very good girlfriend, I know this because I’m still more or less friends/friendly with my exes…though with the most recent that’s a bit of a stretch, sadly.

This said, this shows that I know also that I have a bit of an ego. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing or it means that I’m full of myself, not that kind of ego. But if you’re into reading about “the ego” in general and you’ve done the kind of spiritual healing stuff… power of now, pema chodren, etc type stuff then you will get where I’m coming from a bit more. So yes, I’m aware of my ego, and I do try to be very conscious about it. I think it’s part of what makes me me however. I am confident, confident of my success current and coming.

So dead-pan and I were talking about me, and I know I can be a bit of a tease/flirt and that my standards for men are also a bit ridiculous when it comes to the physical, but the issue we decided on is also that I like to be liked, which is not something I don’t think other people like as well. To try to explain, I was always told by my aunt growing up that men should be kissing your ass. Now I won’t say that I prescribe to that, but I do know that I deserve to be treated well and spoiled a bit, and I’m willing to do the same. I don’t mean spoiled monetarily or anything like that, but I’m used to being spoiled kind of emotionally, if that makes sense. I’m used to being loved. I’m used to having guys fall deep. I guess it was best put by one of my platonic guy friends, gettit, when he said “you’re the kind of chick that guys fall in love with.” To be honest that kind of scared and upset me, and goes back to the whole constantly being in relationships thing that I’ve thought about a lot since the breakup so I’m sure I’ve written about it before. But this is seeming really crazy/egotistical, so let me try to explain.

I think confidence is not only sexy but healthy. The way to be truly successful and live a well-rounded life is to be confident in yourself, to know yourself, and to like yourself. Like yourself. You know, like love yourself deeply. Love everything from your eyes to your laugh to the freckles on your face to your relationship with the sun, your artistry, your shyness in some situations, the things that make you cry. I think that you have to accept yourself because it brings a kind of consciousness that leads to all around success, understanding, leadership etc. It’s healthy to be this way. I think men and women who have something of this captured know how to treat each other. I’ve been spoiled/lucky in that I’ve found a two men who I had great and very deep relationships with who were especially like this. So, I don’t think it’s spoiled in that it’s a bad thing, but compared to the many awful, unequal, sad, or miscommunicative relationships I see around me, I know I’ve been lucky. I’ve experienced love from mature men on a level that some old people and grown adults never have. So…in this way I am spoiled. This is what I expect when dealing with men.

Okay, so if that makes sense, I like to flirt, I’m a flirtatious person, its how I am in my interactions with men. Now comes the problematic part however that dead-pan and I were talking about. I don’t really know how not to flirt. Somehow my flirtatiousness has taken over my personality. I said I have a flirtatious personality but she says that no that’s not the case because I’m not that way with girls, and this is true. So, I like to be liked, I like when I know that men are into me, find me attractive, endearing, etc. So even if I'm not really interested, I’ll still flirt. So…my resolution is to try to not lead anyone on and get myself into situations where I’m trying to figure out how to get myself out of awkwardness, avoiding people, tarnishing friendships etc. She said I should think during my interactions, do I want this person to try to get at me.

The thing that makes it hard though is that, I don’t know. Or not so much I dunno, but I’m okay with maintaining friendships with people who I know like me. Even if I don’t like them back, that’s not reason to not be friends right? But then there’s the whole guys and girls cant be friends thing.

So here is the question. If you know that every time somebody talks to you he’s gonna try to get at you, should you still be friends? I think this is where I differ from the rule, the rule I think is no, you should not. But I have trouble with that. If someone likes the same music I like, is interested in art like I am, activities that I like, etc, but might not be my type whether physically, intellectually, emotionally, maturity wise etc….I don’t want to give up the hang outs. I want to be able to meet up for coffee and an art show with Malachi on Monday because we have the day off and both really love the artist, I want to catch up with Jelani at the labor day parade, cook dinner and groove to bilal while talking philosophy with Devin, walk around the park and lay on the warm grass while talking out a paper thesis with Caleb and have that be okay. I want to be able to hang out with my guy friends exactly the same way I would with my girlfriends and have there not be any added sexual pressure. But the tension too is exciting, and this is why I know for a fact I’ll act differently with them, and this is where I’d have to make the change. Once we got to the park for example I know deadpan and I would just sit or sprawl out side-by-side and bullshit around. But with caleb I know I’d want to lean on his shoulder, or lay with my head on his lap, even if I’m not really into him like that, just cuz that’s how I am, and that’s what I’m identifying is the problem.

The problem now is, what if I don’t want to change. I love to be loved, to feel loved, to touch, to physically touch is important to me. But if my guy friend isn’t gay its not okay? But I’m being honest with myself and it’s not just any touch I like cuz I don’t feel the need to link arms or constantly lean on my girl friends. So I like guy touch. Lol, that sounds wrong, but I’m not really meaning touch like that.

Anyway...I’m not sure there is really a conclusion. But I want to go about creating friendships where both of us feel comfortable grabbing pizza, a flick, a poetry sesh etc and feel confident that we know what each other is after. I’m going to try this year, maybe it’ll change something and will strengthen my relationships with some good friends.

I should be going to bed, but I have so much on my mind. There's religion & then there's one of my friends who I adore.

Let's do religion first. I went to a church today for the first time in awhile, and I felt okay about it, good about it actually. I like church, I like church because it forces me to pay attention to God, it carves out the block of time for me, with him, that I often don't carve out for myself. My relationship with God is very personal, i really often think it doesn't need to involve anyone else and so often communities of believers scare me, overwhelm me, there are too many people who want to make decisions for me I often feel. People are judgmental and have specific expectations that I don't want to match up with. I also hate the way people prioritize religions, or that's not exactly the word. But in my mind it isn't about saying one is better than the other, one is the right way and the only way, its about finding the language best for you to digest. I wouldn't even say the bible is mine, though I do think it is an enlightened teaching, I'm not sure exactly how I feel about Jesus and who he was, I'm just not sure. I do however love God, love our deep conversations, and want to test my faith and hate that I so often do have to promise to stop neglecting the time I want to devote to him, but on the other hand, he barely even asks me for it, and yet blesses me so fully, deeply, and continuously. I don't know what it is exactly that made me not want to walk into that church, but I didn't want to. I was afraid the uggs and purple spandex wouldn't go over well, but no eyelashes batted in my direction. As soon as I got inside I was home, I knew God was home, knew that's where I was meant to be in that moment. So that was a good experience, one I brought myself to reluctantly, but am glad I did.

Now is the friend situation, friend Y. Why do I adore someone who everyone else dislikes, what do I see, what...am I deluding myself? I think not. I know that Y is mean, I know it, but its freeing to me. I think its good to laugh at shit when shit is funny, and I can't do it when not encouraged to. But aligning myself with such a polarizing figure is having consequences, other friends don't get it, don't like it, don't approve. These are friends whose opinions I trust, so it throws me off. And then I realize I prioritize Y over other people strictly because the gender difference adds another element to the relationship. Though its a platonic relationship, I don't ignore this as factor, because I know me. I like to say "chicks over dicks" but I'm not always actually good at it. And why am I so engaged, so invested, so in adoration. I just can't help it.

That's it for tonight I guess because I'm tired. This is so super late for me!

Ahhhh!!!!!!

13 hours yesterday and going on hour 2 of today back in the DMCA, gotta love editing video!

I'm so excited, though I try not to focus too intently on any one thing in the future, just in case it doesn't work out, I'm working towards doing what I love. The idea of studying film next year is so exciting! Specifically if I can be in NYC!!!!

Finally I'll be in an environment where they stop making me do science and math for no freaking reason and I can just revel in art. I'm not going to overcommit myself extracurricularly, and its scary to think but I also won't even have track! I'm going to be really productive over the holidays so next semester I can focus on track and not be stressed out by all of the work that is building up. I just can't let it build up. Ah! Blessed and highly favored!!

I feel like the scene in Elf (Dumb dumb dumb movie) when Will Farrell finds out Santa is coming and just screams like a madman. I love being free to be loud!

refreshed

I feel good!!!!!

Things are coming together! Thankfully.

I made a few oopses, but I'm cleaning them up.

But I feel god, invigorated, validated, encouraged.

Thank you Lord, for picking me up and setting me back on my way.

establishing me-ness

I've never felt this way before, so frazzled, shaken and unsure of myself. It's odd for me, and as I feel it more and more I question as to why. What have I done to lose myself when I thought I was trying so hard to be better connected with myself. So many things point to the obvious, the perhaps truth that I try to push away, ignore, and pretend about. But then all the signs in the aftermath have just told me that I did the right thing for me. Up until now I never questioned it.

But this isn't the time to question it, not really. It's the constant state of being frazzled that makes me wonder why I decided to knock my own feet from under myself. but alas. what's done is done and there's no looking back. can't be. not this time. you only get so many chances to get it right.

so I'm looking forward. staring forward. determined to move forward, even if I don't even know where the hell I'm going. i guess that's why the past is so appealing.

so where did I lose myself? I stopped thinking deeply, stopped being constantly in contact with myself, when everything is going well I think it's easy to do that. when you are honeymooning its easy to stop asking questions. So then you are running without guidelines and begin to loose yourself. Wow.

why does everything just bring me back to a spike lee movie. girl 6. she had specific guidelines when she was acting, that no i wont take my clothes off in an audition, thats not about my acting skills, in her element she set her boundaries.

but outside of her element, as a phone sex operator, she didn't set boundaries, and let it suck her in, let herself go too far. it's easy to slip into fantasy.  you got to have guidelines regardless of the circumstances.

i threw myself into all these new positions of leadership, and cut myself off from the most constant and supporting sources in my life, because I felt it was necessary to progress, to stand on my own feet, or at least to test myself and be assured that this was what I had been doing the whole time. remind myself that I had not fallen into an unassured and dependent self. But in this quest to claim my independence, to remind myself or my strength and ability, here I am lost again, and feeling more lost than before.

but its because there is so much new coming and I'm scared, and nothing is for sure.

am I going to make it.

i guess that's less of the question. it isn't is it going to be alright. It is always alright, because you're living, right.

but is it going to be painless, ideal, wonderful even? not so sure about that.

i've been pushing some people away and drawing some nearer, i've been identifying the people I can't live without, the people who I originally wrote about as those who I think would and could take this journey with me, be in my corner and understand but also enhance the journey. but i don't know if I've had a clear enough mind while I've been doing it.

I can't just ask my dad yes or no anymore it seems.

i was so mad at hombre, for making me think he was waiting for me to grow up, to grow into someone else, to grow into his ideal woman, and i didn't want to give myself up. now I'm not sure if that growth is happening anyway, if it's better and it's needed, or if i'm just so tired and worn that I'm losing myself in another way.

but I'm determined to remember who I am, and to be sure that I establish and re-establish myself, to myself, every day.

-honeychild