re-revelation

When I think about myself, who I am as a person, and who I want to be, I most often consider myself to be passionate. This is what I value most about myself, and what I hope people consider me to be.

It seems like when I'm writing and thinking I so often come to the same conclusions, but then I have trouble implementing the changes I want to see in my life. There are many mistakes I make over and over again, and I hope that now, as I make another big transition I can really make these changes.

First off I have to stop forgetting how blessed I am and losing faith, but I also need to nurture my relationship with God, and not take it for granted. He has proven time and time again, in the most difficult and unsure of situations that he ALWAYS has my back, that he keeps me close, thinks of me, and loves me. So often I think of Christians and how we say and sing "who am I that he is mindful of me." The answer to me is more than a friend of God, or the best definition of friend. I'm not sure exactly how to go about pursuing this relationship, but I hope to find a church like ECV in LA and I want to hold myself to going, learning, living, and loving with him. I want to "live life with God in the company of friends." The best way to live. Thanks ECV.

Also I need to work out how I feel about guys, there's a new one in my life, let's call him "taio", I'm not sure he has an idea how taken I am with him, but it does mean I have some thinking to do. What does it mean that he is across the country and we both have 2-3 years of school in front of us. Am I ready to think about someone in that way? It scares me that I think I am, I'm not sure if it's just infatuation, I've been in relationships, I don't think I fall easily, but I have in the past not only fallen heavily, but also fallen thoroughly and seemingly helplessly into these things. But never so quickly, which worries me but also excites me. Is it a good thing that its less planned out, less circumstance and arguable more instinct. I'm inclined to say yes, and what does that mean...I don't know.

Sex? I think I'm gonna be temporarily abstinent again. That was a good period of time for me, a lot of personal development I think. And I am stupid about it too often, so if I cant do it right, I say better not to do it at all.

So these things have certainly been on my mind: God, Taio, and Sex. Now I need to talk about being gorgeous. I guess I've been stuck on my appearance a lot lately and it doesn't help that my supposed best guy friend said that he thought it was kind of "disgusting" the way I'd been lounging around in sweatpants and t-shirts for damn near two weeks. Ouch. My first instinct was to be pissed off, laugh it off, and be kind of hurt. But then I decided to eat the fruit and throw away the peel, I thought about how I want people to see me, how I want to present myself, and also how my Dad had asked my mom to get cuter houseclothes back in the day. Now when this happened I was pissed off and offended for her. Why should she wear velour sweatsuits like the diva sis when she is home alone? Dad said part of it had to do with visitors, but I think it also had to do with what is sexy, what is appealing, what is ideal. And at this point I don't think it's all bad. I do want to be those things. I've decided I'd like to be a bit more glamorous. Maybe that isn't the right word...I'm not super glamorous, but I think I can afford to be a bit more manicured, not super manicured, but enough. So I'm going to work on that. So part of this will definitely have to do with continuing to rid my wardrobe of sweats and shitty clothes when I get to LA but also putting effort into how I look every day...not just when I know I'm leaving the house. there. you win. but i think I win too.

So it changes to God, Taio, Sex, Appearance, Glam.

and lastly money.

I MUST LEARN TO MANAGE MONEY BETTER. I MUST. I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT A FRIVOLOUS LIFESTYLE. NEVER COULD. AND IF I DON'T WORK ON IT, AND ALSO BE A GOOD STEWARD, I WON'T SURVIVE. PERIOD.

life, love, & process

uh oh. its been a little while. tumblr made me neglect my little ziggy here.

i want to talk about some things, so i can remember them, process them better, be honest with myself about them, if not understand them, at least store them in this archive. its important to me to be my own archivist. i'll even make them labels! accountability, clarity, god, community, love, ecv, art, death, vision, purpose, lent.

I guess another part of this year's resolution is starting now, in the season of lent, which I've never celebrated before. because i never understood it, had never been exposed to it. what the point of giving up sweets for 40 days? is it supposed to bring you closer to God? I never got it. I don't see the point of it, it's like going on a break from a relationship...pointless. Be together or don't be (not that I've never done it)

ECV: Elm City Vine Yard is the coolest little church I just found. I'm loving it, I was introduced to it by one of my friends whom (in the style of the great JPW) I'll name Overflows. So Overflows introduced me to ECV and now I love it, so based on information I've gotten from them, which I'm about to look over now. I'm going to try to understand Lent.

Starting to go to ECV as well as my interactions with Overflowing and seeing the way that God works in her life, her communities, and her interactions with other people has been both alarming and inspiring. How does someone manage to be so overflowing with love for others? What about taking care of yourself?

A few weeks before Valentine's Day I began thinking about the concept of radical love, it was suggested, imagine if we could radically love each other in this community, what that would look like, what that would feel like. I had to think about it. am I ready to radically love right now? I wanted to say yes, but I wasn't completely sure. If radical love consists of picking up everytime you call because I know you think you need me, staying up til 4 in the morning to be there for ou or just to spend time with you because i love you though I know my body doesn't function well on little sleep nor can I practice as well as I should when my body is this tired then that kind of love doesn't work for me. Is it radical if it's self deprecating?

I was inspired though on Valentine’s day, to write some little notes to some of the people I love but don’t tell as much. This year, a new group of friends I’ve entered has helped create a space in which the idea of radical love flows widely and openly, thanks to Overflowing of course. It is what I see that can happen in this community that I want to share with my friends outside of it. So I sat down and wrote to them about how much I love them, how I want to be there for them, want them to know that I’m investing my life in theirs, which is a very new phenomenon for me, one I’m not good at, but one that I want to try, need to try.

The whole investment thing has to do with investing in a community in people, and is tied up in the radical love concept. My parents see their best friends maybe twice a year, out of convenience more so then out of a need to see them, to be there for them, to know what is happening in their life, if they’ve cried recently, if their kids have won an award. If someone passed, if something they saw on the street inspired them. My parents don’t know these things about some of the people who mean the most to them unless someone breaks out of their normal cycle of things and makes a phone call. Listening to one of the leaders of ECV talk about a life lived investing in people and creating a loving community made me want to do exactly that. I want my friends to know that I want them to be my bridesmaids, godparents, aunties & uncles for my kids, vacation partners, and babysitters, lol, and I want to be the same for them. I want to be a shoulder for them to lean on, an ear they can vent to, someone to pray with, someone that picking up a phone to call is not awkward or nerve-wracking, regardless of the circumstances of the call. That’s the kind of stuff I told a few of my friends on Vday.

As for accountability, I think theirs is something great to be said about calling people out not only when they are doing dumb shit, but also when they are not doing all that they could be, when they are blocking themselves from reaching their full potential.

That’s all I have time for right now. Sadly.