It seems like when I'm writing and thinking I so often come to the same conclusions, but then I have trouble implementing the changes I want to see in my life. There are many mistakes I make over and over again, and I hope that now, as I make another big transition I can really make these changes.
First off I have to stop forgetting how blessed I am and losing faith, but I also need to nurture my relationship with God, and not take it for granted. He has proven time and time again, in the most difficult and unsure of situations that he ALWAYS has my back, that he keeps me close, thinks of me, and loves me. So often I think of Christians and how we say and sing "who am I that he is mindful of me." The answer to me is more than a friend of God, or the best definition of friend. I'm not sure exactly how to go about pursuing this relationship, but I hope to find a church like ECV in LA and I want to hold myself to going, learning, living, and loving with him. I want to "live life with God in the company of friends." The best way to live. Thanks ECV.
Also I need to work out how I feel about guys, there's a new one in my life, let's call him "taio", I'm not sure he has an idea how taken I am with him, but it does mean I have some thinking to do. What does it mean that he is across the country and we both have 2-3 years of school in front of us. Am I ready to think about someone in that way? It scares me that I think I am, I'm not sure if it's just infatuation, I've been in relationships, I don't think I fall easily, but I have in the past not only fallen heavily, but also fallen thoroughly and seemingly helplessly into these things. But never so quickly, which worries me but also excites me. Is it a good thing that its less planned out, less circumstance and arguable more instinct. I'm inclined to say yes, and what does that mean...I don't know.
Sex? I think I'm gonna be temporarily abstinent again. That was a good period of time for me, a lot of personal development I think. And I am stupid about it too often, so if I cant do it right, I say better not to do it at all.
So these things have certainly been on my mind: God, Taio, and Sex. Now I need to talk about being gorgeous. I guess I've been stuck on my appearance a lot lately and it doesn't help that my supposed best guy friend said that he thought it was kind of "disgusting" the way I'd been lounging around in sweatpants and t-shirts for damn near two weeks. Ouch. My first instinct was to be pissed off, laugh it off, and be kind of hurt. But then I decided to eat the fruit and throw away the peel, I thought about how I want people to see me, how I want to present myself, and also how my Dad had asked my mom to get cuter houseclothes back in the day. Now when this happened I was pissed off and offended for her. Why should she wear velour sweatsuits like the diva sis when she is home alone? Dad said part of it had to do with visitors, but I think it also had to do with what is sexy, what is appealing, what is ideal. And at this point I don't think it's all bad. I do want to be those things. I've decided I'd like to be a bit more glamorous. Maybe that isn't the right word...I'm not super glamorous, but I think I can afford to be a bit more manicured, not super manicured, but enough. So I'm going to work on that. So part of this will definitely have to do with continuing to rid my wardrobe of sweats and shitty clothes when I get to LA but also putting effort into how I look every day...not just when I know I'm leaving the house. there. you win. but i think I win too.
So it changes to God, Taio, Sex, Appearance, Glam.
and lastly money.
I MUST LEARN TO MANAGE MONEY BETTER. I MUST. I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT A FRIVOLOUS LIFESTYLE. NEVER COULD. AND IF I DON'T WORK ON IT, AND ALSO BE A GOOD STEWARD, I WON'T SURVIVE. PERIOD.
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