i've just been playing with photoshop...lol, a little bit too much.

bag lady

"Bag lady you gone hurt your back

Dragging all them bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you

All you must hold on to

Is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way

One day all them bags gone get in your way

I said one day all them bags gone get in your way

One Day all them bags gone get in your way

So pack light

Pack light

Pack light

Ooh ooh"

~Miss Erykah Badu~

I love Erykah Badu, and I love bag lady, but I'm trying to turn around the image for myself. I've been called a bag lady quite a few times, that's because if you knew me (this reminds me of gavin degraw nice to meet you anyway...But I just found someone special/And that's really something special/If you knew me/ Nice to meet you anyway), I'm quite the wanderer, always going from place to place, dropping in on friends, nowhere for too long. So sure...I guess I'm a bag lady, but I started thinking about what I carry around in my bags, what my baggage is. 

This kind of goes perfectly along with what I've been doing lately= "trimming" as my dad calls getting rid of stuff, and trying to pack light. For trinidad I basically only really brought one medium size suitcase, an overnight, and a backpack. But that includes textbooks and a video camera too, so I think I did pretty well. Back to baggage, so according to the song bag lady, I would interpret the baggage she carries around to be anything from baby mama drama, ish from past relationships, the kind of thing that, as ms. badu says, makes "Niggas take off runnin" from her.

 So...yeh, well that's not the case for me, that's not the kind of baggage I have, so instead I've been thinking of what I have room for and what I don't. Being newly single I'm working a lot on myself, focusing on myself, re-defining myself, making sure I know exactly who I am so I can act accordingly. Or at the same time, I'm defining for myself the person who I want to be, and trying my best to improve on myself so that my self image isn't off kelter. 

Let's go back to my own image of myself...lol, my alter ego i guess you could say which is the honeychild, barefoot and wild. A definition I've kept inside myself for a long time, to remind myself of who I am, and to make sure I stay myself. So that person is free, whimsical, strong, lively, upbeat, contagiously optimistic, conscious, and energetic. I realize that I'm heading down the career path of a starving artist and I'm preparing myself to embrace it fully, so I'll live the lifestyle of a starving artist, except I won't actually be starving, lol, I plan to be quite successful. I guess I'm re-embracing an alternative lifestyle, living against the grain of the 9-5, the suit and tie, but still being a force to be reckoned with. That's what I'm working towards, I want to be a very full and whole person, the kind of person who just let's everything unimportant roll off their backs, the kind of person who can "eat the fruit, and throw away the peel" as my dad says. And for some reason I always think of eating an orange when he says this, they are bright, they are citrus, lol, even the peel smells super good.

So I guess...I want to have positive baggage.

Okay, before I can define my baggage I need to talk about my super incredible friends. I'm just so blessed to have the people I do in my life, and I have a history of being bad at keeping in touch, it used to be a problem with attachment, just because I never wanted to get too comfortable or depend on anyone, because who knew when I was leaving next. I'm over that, and now I want to hold on, I want to be a support system for my friends and also embrace and rely on them, stay in touch, call randomly...well I hate calling...but text, email, and message regularly, lol, that I can do. 

Okay, so in terms of baggage I'm not really thinking of baggage at all...this is the most random post, but I'm thinking about my journey, and who can come with me. For some reason I feel like it takes a certain kind of person to be a wanderer, and to be comfortable with a wanderer, so I want my friends to be able to come with me on my journey, and believe in me as I go along. I feel like its like... I need you to support me in all my eccentricities, but if you can, I promise you it'll be worth it. I always tease that I'm a lover not a fighter, but it isn't really a joke, I am a loving person. I love people, I love so many things about people, the way we think and function. Though I can get along by myself, I'm a people person, I love relationships with people, I think you can learn so much about yourself from the relationships that you have with people. And that being with people can be mutually beneficial, and then it can also be difficult, having run ins with some people who just aren't good for you, but even those relationships you learn, and hopefully they are short-lived and relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of your life.

 So in a way, I feel like I'm saying I'm solidifying my crew. And I'm ready to be in it for the long haul, if you can handle taking me as I am. I want to make sure that the people who mean the most to me know it, and know that I love them for who they are, and appreciate them in my life. 

There's a group of guys from high school, a couple years older than me, who have modeled this for me, and you can just tell they love each other so much, I adore seeing them together. And thinking about it, there's an older yale crew just like that, and I love seeing them together, its really something beautiful.

I have some wonderful and amazing friends and I want to make sure they know I'm thankful for them and I appreciate and love them.

So...what I don't have room for in my bags:

doubt: doubting my capabilities or yours, talking people out of their dreams just because they aren't conventional, there's no room for that, we gotta be free, you need to have at least a little hippie in you, be able to roll with the punches so to speak.

anger: I just can't do it. you need to be able to let go. I want friends who are strong in their conventions. "If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything." I think a lot of people said this, but it is most often attributed to the late great Malcolm X. So I agree with that, but I can't deal with people holding grudges with people who can't be chill and handle things in a way that doesn't involve a blow up, I need to surround myself by mature adults, there's no room for anger. 

open-mindedness: I mean I know my friends are highly intelligent, but we need to be open to new ideas, or at least be able to listen to and consider them. respectful of the opinions of others.

now I don't want this taken the wrong way, I'm definitely not criticizing my friends, or trying to change them or anything like that, not at all, I'm just trying to see where my guns are, and making sure I have a crew I can really trust with myself...sometimes, I think maybe I get nervous about actually trusting people with myself, I don't think it really shows most of the time, but yeh...that fear is there, it exists.

TRINIDAD!!!!!!

six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days!

until I go to sweet, sweet, T&T!

can't wait! too bad I found out yesterday that I had textbooks and school supplies to buy, duh, what the hell was I thinking, oh well, time to kick it into go mode and realize that this is my senior project that I'm working on right now, its not a game, its work and not play this summer!

unconventional: do i believe in serendipity

its just all thoughts that i need to get out and im not sure how well I can do that without sounding mad crazy and cocky and ridiculous. but this is the stuff that I'm thinking about all the time. I mean who can really handle Erykah Badu? It's not everyday you run into someone like Common, Andre 3000, or Jay Electronica. An unconventional chick can really only expect things to work out with an unconventional dude. There are some amazing men out there, and I've been lucky enough to associate with some of them, but I can't be getting with an MLK type if my soulmate is a Malcolm. ya diggs?

the absurdity that is my criteria

I'm trying to figure out what's next for me? I like dating, I like flirting, but the last thing I want is a relationship! My friend told me I'm the kind of girl guys fall in love with. But that just scares me, its like nothing can ever not be serious, the stakes always get to high too quick. And I'm not trying to be a hurtful person, I guess I really just don't know what I want, or rather, i think the person I want is so few and far between, lol, that it will probably be a couple of years before I run into someone who can deal with my "difficulty" as another friend who just met his match so perfectly put it. 

When I first went to college I wasn't even thinking about a relationship because I truly thought that there weren't going to be any guys that could handle me, and that's not in relation to my ego, because I know i have one of those too, but that's in terms of the kind of person i am. I love to be around people, and I hang out with people I've had relationships with in the past, or flings with at the least. And yes, I love to be surrounded by beautiful people, I crush a lot, and if I didn't have the potential to have a little crush of some sort on you, I probably wouldn't hang out with you in the first place. 

But isn't that everyone? Girls always say the more you hang out with someone and get to know them the cuter they get. It's not that they get any cuter but as you realize the things you have in common and the more you like to hang out with them, you think maybe...wow this person has all these qualities, they might be just my type. So...a lot of people try it and see what happens. Most people don't figure out in advance, you know what...this one might just be better as a friend, so then as Jazmine Sullivan says "why does it feel like those who give in, they only wind up losing a friend?" and its true. I think thats why people don't have many close friends of the opposite sex, because they don't really feel out the situation, give into the temptation, and then when it doesn't work out, shit just gets awkward. If people could just skip the awkwardness and stay friends, you'd have such good friends, because with the tension gone you can both actually be yourself. At least that's been my experience, but then when a significant other comes into the picture, they have trouble dealing with the fact that you are comfortable kicking it with someone you used to sleep with. I don't get why the fear of you getting with that person again is so strong. If I wanted to be getting with that person wouldn't I have been doing that when you came along? 

That being said, I know that's why I'm difficult. Because I'm pretty liberal when it comes to relationships. I think every relationship is kind of an open relationship? you're free to get with someone else if your needs aren't being met, so do it, just let me know, and I'll go my own way. So it's not really an open relationship, but the angst about meeting someone else is gone. I mean I guess, I had one relationship where these were the terms, but we were so obsessed with each other it was never an issue, exactly as it should be. So the theory worked out well. But that was a very particular sort of dude.

So how about the interim? If I meet a guy, he seems like a sweetheart, we start talking, texting, kicking it here and there, maybe hook up, maybe not, does that mean if I kick it similarly with someone else I'm doing something wrong, or I should tell him? That's where the double standard comes in, for girls the answer is usually yes and for guys the answer is usually no. Lol. Well I don't believe in double standards. I do think different partners need different things, so you should be on the same level. 

For example. If I'm in a relationship with a dude and he doesn't like it when I dance with other guys at a club, I'm cool with that. But if he thinks he's about to dance with other chicks he is bugging. And the truth is, I could care less, if we both went to the club, and danced with who we wanted, just knowing we were both leaving together, thats perfectly cool with me too, but the terms have to be the same.

So...in the long term I'm looking for a guy who can deal with me, who I really am, without making me compromise, and I don't want to make him compromise either. Is it too much to think you can find a guy as is and take him as he is? I don't think people really change that much, but that just means that I'm going to have to be super ridiculously probably absurdly particular in terms of guys I give some serious time to. And guys are just going to have to know straight up, that I'm REALLY not looking for anything serious, because in the end, the reality is you probably cant handle it. And that's not to say you aren't an awesome guy, probably one who I could definitely respect too, and spend a lot of time with, but I know I ask a lot. I demand trust when you barely even know me, but the thing is, I can do what I ask for, and most people can't. I usually trust you until you give me a reason not to, whereas it seems most people work in the other direction. But the thing is, I've never had a guy cheat on me (to my knowledge) and I think its because I don't crowd their space. Similarly, I've never really had my heart broken.

I'm just worried about a newbie I have, I mean he's fly, and fiiiiiiine, and a sweet heart, but I don't know what the expectations are, I'm not tryna talk to anyone who's looking to wife me up. Or anyone who is going to assume that just because things get physical that the wifing is assumed and that you're the only guy around that I'm talking to, because...well i'm not ready for that kind of commitment right now. 

I'm not afraid of it. I just know that for a guy to be able to take me as I am, its going to be a very particular type of guy, and not too many exist, and if I've met any yet, I just met them at the wrong time.

So what's my criteria for a potential partner. thoughtful, conscious, spontaneous, spiritual, supportive, understanding, respectful, able to give me space, strong, fine, athletic, artistic, not with too much baggage, educated,  beautiful, super confident, hard-working, tenacious, trustworthy, trusting, a good communicator, open, sensual, scholarly, healthy. 

to be continued...

yes.

 i know that's a lot to ask. but if you don't fit the mold, i feel like at this point I just need to let you know up front that you need not apply.

unless, you aren't looking for anything serious either, then if we are honest and open about that, well, then we can talk.

the upper echelon: elitist dating criteria part II

As I talk to more people about whether or not only talking (or taking seriously) guys (or girls) with certain criteria is elitist, I guess it is, but is it wrong?

My friends are saying for example if we are pushing ourselves to get to where we are, we are only going to be looking for people from the same echelon as we are, as in also pushing and striving and well aware of the fact that they are going somewhere. As in also trying to go to school, have a well-paying job, working on getting their own place, or living on their own. 

And this is the criteria, regardless of life circumstances, it may not be fair, but that's how it is. And it isn't necessarily as if we are trying to marry into something else, but we are looking for mutual benefit in a relationship. I get that, and not so much financially but someone who is going to stimulate you emotionally, intellectually etc. Not that if you don't have an ivy league degree you can't do that, but I think people need to be on the same level sometimes to avoid awkwardness, guilt, certain things they wont talk about, like who pays for what etc. I get that too?

Beyond that though I mean, how is this more elitist or wrong than not looking twice at a guy because he's too short, or because he isnt your type, strictly based on appearance. That's probably worse and we can't act like we all don't do it. I also know guys who will say, I only talk to ghetto girls, or no I can't talk to her, she speaks way too ghetto. Can we be mad at either outlook? 

I'm going to say no.

the upper echelon: elitist dating criteria part I

Well I'm here in Cali and I've been thinking a lot about guys, just the concept of them more than looking for one myself. I'm not right now. After getting out of a serious relationship I've been contemplating the constant search for Mr. Right more than actually participating in it myself. 

There are a couple things I've been thinking about, and one is to what extent you look for a guy that's in the same lifestyle as you are, so along with this goes education, financial background, occupational expectations and aspirations, right? But if these things help us determine who our potential partners are...to what extent do we limit ourselves? I went out with my friends and met a bunch of guys and then we found out they all work in best buy...as a bunch of college students that was kind of an immediate pump the breaks. is that messed up? Some of my really good guy friends work so-called "blue-collar" jobs, they don't work on wall street or in hedge funds or anything like that, they didn't necessarily go to ivy league schools or anything, and they are amazing, thorough, good men...so would I immediately pass one of them up if i met them when I was out, strictly because of where they do, or don't, go to school? Would I immediately decide that because they may not have had the opportunities I've had that they don't have the motivation to better themselves, even if perhaps they just haven't had success yet, and maybe that is just because the obstacles they face are so much harder. But what am I looking for, if I plan to be an extremely successful black woman, who has already accomplished much in my field by the age of 25? Does that mean I'm only looking for someone who is moving in the same circles as I am. So that I can guarantee that I will be middle or upper-middle class not only by myself and for myself but in addition to whoever I end up with? Because that way I don't have to worry about supporting anyone else? I think that's the fear people have, or at least no one imagines that a woman might be the main "bread-winner" in a family. What if  you end up with a teacher, a mechanic, the manager of a retail store, or the owner of a record shop? 

But then they say that a highly-successful black woman is intimidating to most guys, so you wouldn't be able to find one of those anyway is the assumption?

 I'm not sure...but more on that later...because I'm getting really distracted by my friends, the smell of dinner, and kill bill.

Excitement: The beginning of the real blogging

Life....im excited for what could possibly be the best summer ever! been living a relatively nonchalant life since school ended, saw and ran lots of sweet track, still chugging away trying to finish my mural (pics to come). home for a day or so, trying to learn how to drive this summer for real, so i have to come back so i can learn! going to cali to visit my ace next week, then trinidad for 5+ weeks, then scheming with zdiddy to add jamaica to the hopping, i mean, how can we go this long without hitting up the island!?

im trying to learn to have less stuff, im not too sure where to start since right now everything is everywhere, but i think having a baby ass room next year will help!

also i looked up requirements for grad school today, and other than the whole GRE thing, im a lot closer to being able to submit a proposal than i thought...sweet! film school here i come!

i want to see my friends from high school! there's people that i literally haven't seen since i graduated and people who its just absurd that i haven't been keeping better track of, im so bad at it, but i need to get better.