my breath catches in my chest, i'm far too nervous to be creaking open the door to my own room. but i am, i push it open just a crack and can only see the corner of my makeshift bed and a bit of light streaming in through the crack in the curtains. i push the door open further and exhale, you're still there, your wide smile greets me as you sleepily roll over and i can feel my face break into an uncontrollable grin. i drop my stuff and cross the room giddily, climbing onto the bed to straddle you. i'm so pleased that you're still there, and you're so cute as i watch you emerge from the realm of half sleep to consider me there in front of you. i can feel between the beats in your heart how mutual the feeling is, and i feel like the luckiest girl in the world as i realize how much you want me to be there in that moment.

re-revelation

When I think about myself, who I am as a person, and who I want to be, I most often consider myself to be passionate. This is what I value most about myself, and what I hope people consider me to be.

It seems like when I'm writing and thinking I so often come to the same conclusions, but then I have trouble implementing the changes I want to see in my life. There are many mistakes I make over and over again, and I hope that now, as I make another big transition I can really make these changes.

First off I have to stop forgetting how blessed I am and losing faith, but I also need to nurture my relationship with God, and not take it for granted. He has proven time and time again, in the most difficult and unsure of situations that he ALWAYS has my back, that he keeps me close, thinks of me, and loves me. So often I think of Christians and how we say and sing "who am I that he is mindful of me." The answer to me is more than a friend of God, or the best definition of friend. I'm not sure exactly how to go about pursuing this relationship, but I hope to find a church like ECV in LA and I want to hold myself to going, learning, living, and loving with him. I want to "live life with God in the company of friends." The best way to live. Thanks ECV.

Also I need to work out how I feel about guys, there's a new one in my life, let's call him "taio", I'm not sure he has an idea how taken I am with him, but it does mean I have some thinking to do. What does it mean that he is across the country and we both have 2-3 years of school in front of us. Am I ready to think about someone in that way? It scares me that I think I am, I'm not sure if it's just infatuation, I've been in relationships, I don't think I fall easily, but I have in the past not only fallen heavily, but also fallen thoroughly and seemingly helplessly into these things. But never so quickly, which worries me but also excites me. Is it a good thing that its less planned out, less circumstance and arguable more instinct. I'm inclined to say yes, and what does that mean...I don't know.

Sex? I think I'm gonna be temporarily abstinent again. That was a good period of time for me, a lot of personal development I think. And I am stupid about it too often, so if I cant do it right, I say better not to do it at all.

So these things have certainly been on my mind: God, Taio, and Sex. Now I need to talk about being gorgeous. I guess I've been stuck on my appearance a lot lately and it doesn't help that my supposed best guy friend said that he thought it was kind of "disgusting" the way I'd been lounging around in sweatpants and t-shirts for damn near two weeks. Ouch. My first instinct was to be pissed off, laugh it off, and be kind of hurt. But then I decided to eat the fruit and throw away the peel, I thought about how I want people to see me, how I want to present myself, and also how my Dad had asked my mom to get cuter houseclothes back in the day. Now when this happened I was pissed off and offended for her. Why should she wear velour sweatsuits like the diva sis when she is home alone? Dad said part of it had to do with visitors, but I think it also had to do with what is sexy, what is appealing, what is ideal. And at this point I don't think it's all bad. I do want to be those things. I've decided I'd like to be a bit more glamorous. Maybe that isn't the right word...I'm not super glamorous, but I think I can afford to be a bit more manicured, not super manicured, but enough. So I'm going to work on that. So part of this will definitely have to do with continuing to rid my wardrobe of sweats and shitty clothes when I get to LA but also putting effort into how I look every day...not just when I know I'm leaving the house. there. you win. but i think I win too.

So it changes to God, Taio, Sex, Appearance, Glam.

and lastly money.

I MUST LEARN TO MANAGE MONEY BETTER. I MUST. I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT A FRIVOLOUS LIFESTYLE. NEVER COULD. AND IF I DON'T WORK ON IT, AND ALSO BE A GOOD STEWARD, I WON'T SURVIVE. PERIOD.

Grant Me Strength

Give me the strength Of verdant hills Washed clean by summer rain; Of purple hills At peace when weary Day Sinks quietly to rest In Night's cool arms; Of rugged, wind-whipped hills That lift their heads Above the petty, lowland, valley things, And shake their shoulders free Of bonds that hold Them close to earth; Of snow-capped hills Sun-kissed by day, by night Companioned by the stars; Of grim volcanoes Pregnant with the fires Of molten fury! Grant me strength, Great God, Like that of hills!

-Esther Popel

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

so is my man hiding in brooklyn?

so i’m back on my, my future man is…tip, and its really hard.

why? i feel like there are many facets of myself: who i am, who i project, how i wish to project, and they don’t always mesh nicely together. but the idea of finding a dude who can not only deal with all that but also reflect it, encourage it, fit in perfectly, or be able to piece all the bits of me together like a puzzle. that’s a difficult task. and i’m looking for a master of puzzles.

i know i’m not the easiest girl to be with. and i’m not saying that in a self-deprecating way, because i actually believe that i’ll be quite a catch, but its just a fact. i’m very independent, i’m very free spirited, sometimes my logic is arguably illogical, i have a lot of guy friends, i don’t run around trying to be super cute all the time, and sometimes i spread myself too thin trying to do too much and get a bit stressed. i will say that in a relationship the lucky thing is that we probably won’t fight, i’m good at compromising and reasoning, and not really into the whole argument thing, its a dumb waste of time. but i’m getting off task…

the new question im dealing with is what does this man look like? thanks tohttp://swagger360.blogspot.com i’m alarmed to find out that i think this man resides in Brooklyn, which is sad because that is the home that i was expecting for myself and now instead I’m in Berkeley, California and heading to LA in less than a month by way of Palo Alto. All very exciting I’m sure, but very unBrooklyn. Anyway, what’s this dude’s vibe? Is he a laid back dreaded artist, a mechanic who isn’t afraid to work with his hands? Is he a student, with a slightly hipster vibe and/or a leather messenger bag? Is he swagged out, pulling off outfits that only Lenny Kravitz and Jimmy Hendrix could ever really try and yet he is able to do it? Are we a dashing couple b/c we both love to dress up, do his pin striped suits leave people speechless, or is it his bold sunglasses, suspenders, leather shoes, boat shoes, tight jeans, white linen pants? what is it? what’s his thing, the thing that makes us look perfect walking down the street together whether i’m sweatpants, hipstered out, or looking like a conscious empress, cowri shells on dreads swinging?

well thanks to today’s obviously very important research, I’ve been getting some ideas about what the future man could possible look like. guess i won’t know til i meet him? but i must admit, I do hope he’s fashion forward.

why to say "no" to frequent casual sex: why does the number really matter

so my girl and i were talking about sex. surprise, surprise...and she's kind of back to where i was a little while ago. i think that strong, intelligent, confident women tend to have the mentality that they should be able to wield their sexuality how they want to, so that's like if i meet a guy, and i like him...do i have to set arbitrary rules as to when i can sleep with him if thats what i want to do? I've had multiple conversations with friends my age, older, and younger, recently. I feel like a lot of girls don't get with a lot of guys because they don't want to get the reputation of being loose. which is totally legit, who wants society to see them as a "slut/whore/skank" i mean the names are endless. but beyond "caring what other people think" and we all know that no one wants to be someone who "cares what other people think." okay, so beyond society's ideas of why women should get wth a lot of men...what's stopping a "single, sexy, & free" (mya) female from getting with who she wants.

well...danger, numbness, and cheapness are my reasons. and let me first clarify that i'm not coming from a hypocritical or holier than thou POV, i'm speaking from personal experience, trying to save you some trouble. I'm talking about what i know about.

here's the deal, you get to the point where you consider yourself to be a woman like a man, you are safe, smart, like the chase, and you are always in control. you get to have great sex with hot guys, sometimes little flings, and you enjoy yourself. plus you aren't an idiot about it, you keep your mouth shut, spread out the guys over spaces and friend groups, and people don't even know about most people you get with. though there is some kind of vibe about you that definitely doesn't scream virginity...its kind of mysterious and sexy.

but the reality is that the more guys you sleep with the higher chance of danger, regardless of how safe you are the chance of you misjudging someone's character, the chance of you catching something, the chance of the condom breaking, the chance of you giving in to the urge to not use a condom, and the inevitability of sexual imprinting is higher.

you and the guy can both try to be super safe and accidents happen. condoms break. someone might have something and not know it, both of you can get caught up in the moment and opt out of a condom, something strange could happen with birth control...you never know.

beyond that what about the guy, it might not be the first or second time you sleep with someone, it might be fun and safe, but what if he gets too comfortable, what if even though you thought you knew him, he all of a sudden puts you in a situation you are uncomfortable with. what do you do? yell at him, slap him, walk out, have a logical conversation...maybe you do nothing. maybe you do all of the above and he still smiles in your face the next day. who do you tell, how do you feel?

okay so those are physical dangers. but what about psychological shit? imprinting. its really hard not to compare. and its kind of inevitable that you are going to do it. so as you are introduced to more and more guys, more and more sexual styles, you are going to be making these comparisons, and that kind of sucks, and is unfair to you and the guy.

then there's how it makes you feel about yourself, how it makes you feel about the act of sex. and whats the point of casual sex? most people agree that 90% of the time, better sex comes from having an intimate connection with the person. so why have lots of bad sex, this is a simple quality over quantity equation. strive for quality sex.

alright, this part is a little offensive, but its a good comparison.

how do you answer the question, why should i stop having sex with lots of different guys.

its like getting fat. i love double chocolate cake, but if i ate chocolate cake with chocolate frosting all the time, it wouldnt be as good, i wouldn't get as excited every single time i had it. and also...id be being unhealthy, potentially getting fat. and it doesn't click for some people, they don't say to themselves i cant eat this food for all of these reasons, and then stop doing it. it takes self control. but then and they get fat. we're too smart and have too much going for us to be getting fat.

and when it comes down to it, people who are overweight have more problems socially and otherwise. it seems very harsh to say, but it is true. and often people who are not in control of their own healthy lifestyle tend to have more issues about how the feel about themselves, lower self-confidence.

if it happens it that scenario, and it can definitely happen in this scenario too. after awhile based on just numbers alone, you're gonna start feeling cheap, someone will say something in anger or as a joke and it'll sting, and even if yo don't want it to, if you want to brush it off...it might not work, it might stay there, hurting, making you feel like shit, and you can't start over. then there's the fact that people might ask you how many, you either lie (lying about anything is shitty and sucky and difficult), tell the truth, or tell them its not their business, but ether way people form their own opinions.

so...its takes self control, even if there isn't one really obvious cause and effect, there are affects.