"never darken the steps of the white house"

and this is from when I was super angry

re-reading it was shocking to me!

early one november friday morning in 2006

when I was walking across my campus to grab some grub before class

and some man said to me in passing

"never darken the steps of the white house"

a 3 part poem then ensued...but this is just a snippet

the rest of the anger is just far too much...

"is it worse to give up on myself, on my people, on my color, on my struggle

is it fair that nobody wants me-nobody wants me-I’m just a color

a shade, just some sort of shadow that’s there

my presence is always offensive-doesn’t always make the majority

feel awkward-not mine, not me at least. They find me socially acceptable

on their plane, cuz I can present myself as such

even my closest white friends don’t know

don’t know how they are being manipulated

manipulated by me, by my pigmentation

manipulated so they never have to feel awkward

while their parents are so impressed with me

and won’t admit to themselves-never would

that it’s because I’m black

that they want to cradle me-help me

they figure I need it, they want to help me

why. To feel better about the state of the world

I play my role well, I don’t notice

I’m not unoffended, they never are offensive

I just get whats…

I want to turn on BET in their living rooms

I want to be an invisible man and laugh

I want to make them feel so uncomfortable

Make them confront my blackness

I want to be ten shades darker

Want to like baby phat and rap music

I want to be their idea of a typical black

Person from a low income area with little education

So that my success will sting them more

I want them all to sting like I sting

When an ignorant man steals my joy early Friday morning

And I just stand in silence because what can I do?"

early 2006.

after the first breakup.

space

lately I’ve stopped missing you

wanting you, stopped reaching out and wishing I was holding you

and most profoundly stopped resenting you

for the space that you fill

the space that you fill in my mind

the voice that I still hear in my thought

somewhere between my ears

between the thumps of my heart

between my empty fingers-that space you fill in my life

and its because you filled it-that I found myself rendered helpless

or running away from any figure who could fill it just as well

or maybe better, or even half as well

because how could I allows anyone to occupy your space

and how can I allow you, even after a year and nine months

to keep filling it

and worse expanding it-which I only just realized

cant be healthy for my heart

and I feel like because I still missed you

I was running some kind of screening process

And allowing myself to conduct so many interviews

To fill this position that cannot be filled by any other

But there’s only so much space filled with substance I don’t understand

That I can take in my life

And what I really need now is to be contained and get rid of all of the excess

And I’m sorry but yes that means your space too

That means the time, the thoughts, the tears, the reach, the wish, the hope

The waiting, the wanting, the wondering where you are and when I’ll see you again

Wondering why you don’t call, why I don’t, if I can

Why we never ever have that awkward silence

Why you think the way you do, say the things you say, and make the decisions you make

If you feel the way I do

At least at some point I know we did

The problem was the space once again

The space between us, the spaces that filled with so many other things

That we as the other couldn’t understand

The spaces that filled and changes as we changed-if we changed

And the space where we used to fit perfectly like a puzzle

Now filled with unsurity, insecurity- too much pain for us to keep trying to take the puzzle off the shelf and put it back together…

And at this point we can’t even recognize what picture it once made, so I give up

Its like spring cleaning, house cleaning, time for a yard sale

To conserve more space-cuz-maybe cuz it hurts to be so spread out?

Or maybe I’m just selfish

And tired of allocating you so much space

And feeling disappointment for one reason or another because of you

Or maybe its not selfish and I’m just tired

Just feeling so much fatigue from continuing to reserve your seat

To make this reservation for you

To stay so emotionally reserved

When its hard-when I wonder if I shouldn’t

Certain words and feelings are so heavy

And I’m just tired of feeling so weighed down