early 2006.

after the first breakup.

space

lately I’ve stopped missing you

wanting you, stopped reaching out and wishing I was holding you

and most profoundly stopped resenting you

for the space that you fill

the space that you fill in my mind

the voice that I still hear in my thought

somewhere between my ears

between the thumps of my heart

between my empty fingers-that space you fill in my life

and its because you filled it-that I found myself rendered helpless

or running away from any figure who could fill it just as well

or maybe better, or even half as well

because how could I allows anyone to occupy your space

and how can I allow you, even after a year and nine months

to keep filling it

and worse expanding it-which I only just realized

cant be healthy for my heart

and I feel like because I still missed you

I was running some kind of screening process

And allowing myself to conduct so many interviews

To fill this position that cannot be filled by any other

But there’s only so much space filled with substance I don’t understand

That I can take in my life

And what I really need now is to be contained and get rid of all of the excess

And I’m sorry but yes that means your space too

That means the time, the thoughts, the tears, the reach, the wish, the hope

The waiting, the wanting, the wondering where you are and when I’ll see you again

Wondering why you don’t call, why I don’t, if I can

Why we never ever have that awkward silence

Why you think the way you do, say the things you say, and make the decisions you make

If you feel the way I do

At least at some point I know we did

The problem was the space once again

The space between us, the spaces that filled with so many other things

That we as the other couldn’t understand

The spaces that filled and changes as we changed-if we changed

And the space where we used to fit perfectly like a puzzle

Now filled with unsurity, insecurity- too much pain for us to keep trying to take the puzzle off the shelf and put it back together…

And at this point we can’t even recognize what picture it once made, so I give up

Its like spring cleaning, house cleaning, time for a yard sale

To conserve more space-cuz-maybe cuz it hurts to be so spread out?

Or maybe I’m just selfish

And tired of allocating you so much space

And feeling disappointment for one reason or another because of you

Or maybe its not selfish and I’m just tired

Just feeling so much fatigue from continuing to reserve your seat

To make this reservation for you

To stay so emotionally reserved

When its hard-when I wonder if I shouldn’t

Certain words and feelings are so heavy

And I’m just tired of feeling so weighed down