i'm creating a brand here....

here goes.

http://briggyfsugarcubes.blogspot.com/

sugar cube blog

i think its time for a new blog. its the best way to split up my multiple personalities and keep people updated on my life. this one is still my heart, where i pour out all of my crazy thoughts so thickly that hardly i even want to wade through the syrupy mess that i've created. the new blog will be just as sweet, but easy to understand and digest. like sugar cubes.

my breath catches in my chest, i'm far too nervous to be creaking open the door to my own room. but i am, i push it open just a crack and can only see the corner of my makeshift bed and a bit of light streaming in through the crack in the curtains. i push the door open further and exhale, you're still there, your wide smile greets me as you sleepily roll over and i can feel my face break into an uncontrollable grin. i drop my stuff and cross the room giddily, climbing onto the bed to straddle you. i'm so pleased that you're still there, and you're so cute as i watch you emerge from the realm of half sleep to consider me there in front of you. i can feel between the beats in your heart how mutual the feeling is, and i feel like the luckiest girl in the world as i realize how much you want me to be there in that moment.

re-revelation

When I think about myself, who I am as a person, and who I want to be, I most often consider myself to be passionate. This is what I value most about myself, and what I hope people consider me to be.

It seems like when I'm writing and thinking I so often come to the same conclusions, but then I have trouble implementing the changes I want to see in my life. There are many mistakes I make over and over again, and I hope that now, as I make another big transition I can really make these changes.

First off I have to stop forgetting how blessed I am and losing faith, but I also need to nurture my relationship with God, and not take it for granted. He has proven time and time again, in the most difficult and unsure of situations that he ALWAYS has my back, that he keeps me close, thinks of me, and loves me. So often I think of Christians and how we say and sing "who am I that he is mindful of me." The answer to me is more than a friend of God, or the best definition of friend. I'm not sure exactly how to go about pursuing this relationship, but I hope to find a church like ECV in LA and I want to hold myself to going, learning, living, and loving with him. I want to "live life with God in the company of friends." The best way to live. Thanks ECV.

Also I need to work out how I feel about guys, there's a new one in my life, let's call him "taio", I'm not sure he has an idea how taken I am with him, but it does mean I have some thinking to do. What does it mean that he is across the country and we both have 2-3 years of school in front of us. Am I ready to think about someone in that way? It scares me that I think I am, I'm not sure if it's just infatuation, I've been in relationships, I don't think I fall easily, but I have in the past not only fallen heavily, but also fallen thoroughly and seemingly helplessly into these things. But never so quickly, which worries me but also excites me. Is it a good thing that its less planned out, less circumstance and arguable more instinct. I'm inclined to say yes, and what does that mean...I don't know.

Sex? I think I'm gonna be temporarily abstinent again. That was a good period of time for me, a lot of personal development I think. And I am stupid about it too often, so if I cant do it right, I say better not to do it at all.

So these things have certainly been on my mind: God, Taio, and Sex. Now I need to talk about being gorgeous. I guess I've been stuck on my appearance a lot lately and it doesn't help that my supposed best guy friend said that he thought it was kind of "disgusting" the way I'd been lounging around in sweatpants and t-shirts for damn near two weeks. Ouch. My first instinct was to be pissed off, laugh it off, and be kind of hurt. But then I decided to eat the fruit and throw away the peel, I thought about how I want people to see me, how I want to present myself, and also how my Dad had asked my mom to get cuter houseclothes back in the day. Now when this happened I was pissed off and offended for her. Why should she wear velour sweatsuits like the diva sis when she is home alone? Dad said part of it had to do with visitors, but I think it also had to do with what is sexy, what is appealing, what is ideal. And at this point I don't think it's all bad. I do want to be those things. I've decided I'd like to be a bit more glamorous. Maybe that isn't the right word...I'm not super glamorous, but I think I can afford to be a bit more manicured, not super manicured, but enough. So I'm going to work on that. So part of this will definitely have to do with continuing to rid my wardrobe of sweats and shitty clothes when I get to LA but also putting effort into how I look every day...not just when I know I'm leaving the house. there. you win. but i think I win too.

So it changes to God, Taio, Sex, Appearance, Glam.

and lastly money.

I MUST LEARN TO MANAGE MONEY BETTER. I MUST. I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT A FRIVOLOUS LIFESTYLE. NEVER COULD. AND IF I DON'T WORK ON IT, AND ALSO BE A GOOD STEWARD, I WON'T SURVIVE. PERIOD.

Grant Me Strength

Give me the strength Of verdant hills Washed clean by summer rain; Of purple hills At peace when weary Day Sinks quietly to rest In Night's cool arms; Of rugged, wind-whipped hills That lift their heads Above the petty, lowland, valley things, And shake their shoulders free Of bonds that hold Them close to earth; Of snow-capped hills Sun-kissed by day, by night Companioned by the stars; Of grim volcanoes Pregnant with the fires Of molten fury! Grant me strength, Great God, Like that of hills!

-Esther Popel

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

so is my man hiding in brooklyn?

so i’m back on my, my future man is…tip, and its really hard.

why? i feel like there are many facets of myself: who i am, who i project, how i wish to project, and they don’t always mesh nicely together. but the idea of finding a dude who can not only deal with all that but also reflect it, encourage it, fit in perfectly, or be able to piece all the bits of me together like a puzzle. that’s a difficult task. and i’m looking for a master of puzzles.

i know i’m not the easiest girl to be with. and i’m not saying that in a self-deprecating way, because i actually believe that i’ll be quite a catch, but its just a fact. i’m very independent, i’m very free spirited, sometimes my logic is arguably illogical, i have a lot of guy friends, i don’t run around trying to be super cute all the time, and sometimes i spread myself too thin trying to do too much and get a bit stressed. i will say that in a relationship the lucky thing is that we probably won’t fight, i’m good at compromising and reasoning, and not really into the whole argument thing, its a dumb waste of time. but i’m getting off task…

the new question im dealing with is what does this man look like? thanks tohttp://swagger360.blogspot.com i’m alarmed to find out that i think this man resides in Brooklyn, which is sad because that is the home that i was expecting for myself and now instead I’m in Berkeley, California and heading to LA in less than a month by way of Palo Alto. All very exciting I’m sure, but very unBrooklyn. Anyway, what’s this dude’s vibe? Is he a laid back dreaded artist, a mechanic who isn’t afraid to work with his hands? Is he a student, with a slightly hipster vibe and/or a leather messenger bag? Is he swagged out, pulling off outfits that only Lenny Kravitz and Jimmy Hendrix could ever really try and yet he is able to do it? Are we a dashing couple b/c we both love to dress up, do his pin striped suits leave people speechless, or is it his bold sunglasses, suspenders, leather shoes, boat shoes, tight jeans, white linen pants? what is it? what’s his thing, the thing that makes us look perfect walking down the street together whether i’m sweatpants, hipstered out, or looking like a conscious empress, cowri shells on dreads swinging?

well thanks to today’s obviously very important research, I’ve been getting some ideas about what the future man could possible look like. guess i won’t know til i meet him? but i must admit, I do hope he’s fashion forward.