Regret. is a killer, regret is linked with guilt for me, and i allow myself to be eaten up, swallowed up. I bargain with myself, make promises, and decisions, and then regret them, don't listen to myself, talk myself out of things in the moment. Somethings gotta give. And its got something to do with me. Or its gonna be a downward cycle.

Faith: Undefined

today i eat breakfast with the voice of mars blackman echoing in my head, though i'm far from home, nyc, my mentors, the dear brooklyn i've created for myself as a home in my head, i know i'm in the right place. despite the pressure, and the fear i just cant seem to shake. i feel already behind when I'm not, i'm worried work will overwhelm me, money will run out, and I'll have nothing to show for it. I'm full of fear in a way that I haven't been in the past. My constant observing keeps me on the outside of most interactions except in the most intimate of settings and conversations.

but its okay? its okay? its alright? I hear myself ask myself in a Mars Blackman refrain that only Spike Lee can accomplish and have it be endearing rather than annoying. The Nola Darling in my head smiles and laughs as I take my first bite of reheated orzo for breakfast and confirm to myself, yes, its alright. its okay, its good, and laugh out loud at how ludicrous it all is.

Salim said yesterday in the most real joke ever, "I want to change the world through my films." He followed up with, "its not even about the money." He laughed, and I laughed at this clear ring of truth because its true, its so true, its all we are set out to do. What a goal, with one so large its hard to not be afraid, afraid of failure, afraid of the obstacles that will inevitably try to knock us to our feet, get us off our game, tell us we're nothing, we don't matter, no one cares about the inner lives of black characters, no one ever has. And its so untrue, but such an easy lie for the industry to sell.

I miss the feeling of security that seems so gone. I realize I no longer know how to define myself. I want to see it as freeing- Faith:Undefined. Instead I am afraid, I have no affiliations, I sat in the sun after a workout staring out at the pool, the unfamiliar campus, allowing the sun to shine down on me and choking back tears. My fear is palpable at times. There's no track team, no pi alpha, no fro-co team, no society. They are all there, they all still exist, but they are not the same. It is impossible not to notice that this affiliation inevitably has changed, if in no other way strictly because of the lack of physical space that once accompanied all of this, all of these ways in which I defined myself.

Fear is the worst, and guilt is right after. One emotion has replaced the other. Somehow I'll live with it. I'm anxious. Anxious and antsy, I can't stay still, don't feel I deserve to, don't want to be with myself for that long. I don't like the pressure I put on myself, or I don't want to face what I must do. I have so much catch up to do, I feel so unprepared to be here. but at the same time I know its the right place to be.

i'm creating a brand here....

here goes.

http://briggyfsugarcubes.blogspot.com/

sugar cube blog

i think its time for a new blog. its the best way to split up my multiple personalities and keep people updated on my life. this one is still my heart, where i pour out all of my crazy thoughts so thickly that hardly i even want to wade through the syrupy mess that i've created. the new blog will be just as sweet, but easy to understand and digest. like sugar cubes.

my breath catches in my chest, i'm far too nervous to be creaking open the door to my own room. but i am, i push it open just a crack and can only see the corner of my makeshift bed and a bit of light streaming in through the crack in the curtains. i push the door open further and exhale, you're still there, your wide smile greets me as you sleepily roll over and i can feel my face break into an uncontrollable grin. i drop my stuff and cross the room giddily, climbing onto the bed to straddle you. i'm so pleased that you're still there, and you're so cute as i watch you emerge from the realm of half sleep to consider me there in front of you. i can feel between the beats in your heart how mutual the feeling is, and i feel like the luckiest girl in the world as i realize how much you want me to be there in that moment.

re-revelation

When I think about myself, who I am as a person, and who I want to be, I most often consider myself to be passionate. This is what I value most about myself, and what I hope people consider me to be.

It seems like when I'm writing and thinking I so often come to the same conclusions, but then I have trouble implementing the changes I want to see in my life. There are many mistakes I make over and over again, and I hope that now, as I make another big transition I can really make these changes.

First off I have to stop forgetting how blessed I am and losing faith, but I also need to nurture my relationship with God, and not take it for granted. He has proven time and time again, in the most difficult and unsure of situations that he ALWAYS has my back, that he keeps me close, thinks of me, and loves me. So often I think of Christians and how we say and sing "who am I that he is mindful of me." The answer to me is more than a friend of God, or the best definition of friend. I'm not sure exactly how to go about pursuing this relationship, but I hope to find a church like ECV in LA and I want to hold myself to going, learning, living, and loving with him. I want to "live life with God in the company of friends." The best way to live. Thanks ECV.

Also I need to work out how I feel about guys, there's a new one in my life, let's call him "taio", I'm not sure he has an idea how taken I am with him, but it does mean I have some thinking to do. What does it mean that he is across the country and we both have 2-3 years of school in front of us. Am I ready to think about someone in that way? It scares me that I think I am, I'm not sure if it's just infatuation, I've been in relationships, I don't think I fall easily, but I have in the past not only fallen heavily, but also fallen thoroughly and seemingly helplessly into these things. But never so quickly, which worries me but also excites me. Is it a good thing that its less planned out, less circumstance and arguable more instinct. I'm inclined to say yes, and what does that mean...I don't know.

Sex? I think I'm gonna be temporarily abstinent again. That was a good period of time for me, a lot of personal development I think. And I am stupid about it too often, so if I cant do it right, I say better not to do it at all.

So these things have certainly been on my mind: God, Taio, and Sex. Now I need to talk about being gorgeous. I guess I've been stuck on my appearance a lot lately and it doesn't help that my supposed best guy friend said that he thought it was kind of "disgusting" the way I'd been lounging around in sweatpants and t-shirts for damn near two weeks. Ouch. My first instinct was to be pissed off, laugh it off, and be kind of hurt. But then I decided to eat the fruit and throw away the peel, I thought about how I want people to see me, how I want to present myself, and also how my Dad had asked my mom to get cuter houseclothes back in the day. Now when this happened I was pissed off and offended for her. Why should she wear velour sweatsuits like the diva sis when she is home alone? Dad said part of it had to do with visitors, but I think it also had to do with what is sexy, what is appealing, what is ideal. And at this point I don't think it's all bad. I do want to be those things. I've decided I'd like to be a bit more glamorous. Maybe that isn't the right word...I'm not super glamorous, but I think I can afford to be a bit more manicured, not super manicured, but enough. So I'm going to work on that. So part of this will definitely have to do with continuing to rid my wardrobe of sweats and shitty clothes when I get to LA but also putting effort into how I look every day...not just when I know I'm leaving the house. there. you win. but i think I win too.

So it changes to God, Taio, Sex, Appearance, Glam.

and lastly money.

I MUST LEARN TO MANAGE MONEY BETTER. I MUST. I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT A FRIVOLOUS LIFESTYLE. NEVER COULD. AND IF I DON'T WORK ON IT, AND ALSO BE A GOOD STEWARD, I WON'T SURVIVE. PERIOD.

Grant Me Strength

Give me the strength Of verdant hills Washed clean by summer rain; Of purple hills At peace when weary Day Sinks quietly to rest In Night's cool arms; Of rugged, wind-whipped hills That lift their heads Above the petty, lowland, valley things, And shake their shoulders free Of bonds that hold Them close to earth; Of snow-capped hills Sun-kissed by day, by night Companioned by the stars; Of grim volcanoes Pregnant with the fires Of molten fury! Grant me strength, Great God, Like that of hills!

-Esther Popel