guys and books, a new method of learning about your guys?

im starting to think that men can be evaluated based on their books. this could revolutionize my life if i am smart about it. think about it! people try it with medicine cabinets, but some of that stuff is intimate in a very surface way or its a matter of necessity not choice. then there is trying to do it based on a whole room (i.e. mtv room raiders) and thats good, but might be too much. or maybe its just more information than what you even need to make the decision.

so i've been reading Blink, by malcolm gladwell [whom i adooooreee], its about practicing and training your mind so that you are able to make quick decisions that are good decisions, honing into your unconscious ability to make snap judgements when necessary, and making this a part of your everyday decision making process. he calls it thin slicing. now this isn't quite the same thing, but its a concept that i feel is kind of related, it also could be seen as similar to the figure of speech, synecdoche, when a part is used to represent a whole.

okay. so lets get into this. in the past few days i noticed books in the rooms of two of my male friends and was immediately drawn to them. i went over and checked them out and had different positive reactions to each collection. then i thought about another guy whose book collection i've noticed quite a bit and i started thinking that i might be able to tell not only a lot about the guy and his personality, but also what he could give to me in terms of our relationship, strictly friendship or more, either way. check it out.

guy 1.

the books: proust, a history of armenian genocide, tolstoy, sarte, holy bible

about the books: all of these books are extremely well know works of literature, they are aguably a bit difficult to read, but undeniably intellectually stimulating.

the guy: super smart, very cultured, supportive, understanding, conscientious, but also a bit of a mess, last minute with details and schedules

the connection: this guy is incredible, he is an amazing catch, smart, talented etc, he is like one of these lauded works of literature, its like he has the whole package. but have you ever really tried to read the bible all the way through, have you ever tried to read proust?! its so confusing! you dont understand half the words, or the grammar is so outdated that you have to read things over and over again. this guy can be similarly confusing, nebulous at times. similarly, the last minute scheduling stuff (drives me crazy) i think this could be related too. how long did it take to write these things?! the authors weren't worried about meeting deadlines, they were writing works of art. this guy is concerned about big picture things, as i'm sure these authors were, and the details sometimes just get in the way. however in the end, it seems like it must have been well worth their time, these books are the best of the best. should i give the benefit of the doubt that this guy might be too?

guy 2

the books: Sweet 'Stache: 50 Badass Mustaches and the Faces Who Sport Them & about six books from author Carl Hiaasen

about the books: the guy reads hilarious fun books! carl hiassen is stuff I read when I was younger, and when i picked up these books on guy 2's desk i was immediately nostalgic and wanted to know about the newer ones. but here's the thing, hiaasen comes from a background of investigative journalism. while he is giving his audience funny crime thrillers with absurd characters he is also engaged in social commentary that talks about things like greed, corruption, and environmental activism. similarly, i expected to see a lot of funny pictures when i picked up sweet stache, but when i looked through it there were quizzes, short histories, movie quotes, celebrity quotes, famous literary figures and characters.

the guy: super artsy, super fun, super gorgeous

the connection: there are fun books and a fun guy. all of the books have bright colors, are graphically appealing, and guess what. guy 2 is a graphic designer. these books also look one way on the surface, but are a lot deeper once you get into them, without losing their fun playful side, from what i know of guy 2, this is totally him. always a ball to be around, definitely visually appealing, and there is a lot going on under the surface. my thoughts on him based on the books, don't sell this one short! this is a book/guy i want to keep around for awhile, can read over and over, and really enjoy the experience. hmmm...

guy 3

the books: financial advising, books about how best to communicate ideas to customers, outliers by malcolm gladwell (yeh, i borrowed this one!)

about the books: pretty self explanatory i'd say. most of them are interested in self improvement in the working world, being more convincing, more effective. outliers is actually called Outliers; the story of success. it explores why some people succeed and others dont.

the guy: suave, smooth, flirtatious, successful, polished

the connection: this guy, just like these books are about the business. guy 3 is always on the grind, but he likes his job, he's good at what he does, and he still finds time to hang out. he's a laid back kind of funny and though he is busy he has no problem going a bit out of his way for people. he's always meeting a friend, having a friend in town, picking up a friend, dropping off a friend, lol, i guess he's got a lot of friends. he's also someone who is extremely charming, he plays to his strengths, is conscientious of his appearance, and to be honest i think knows how to make himself come off as even more attractive than he is, because he is a good looking guy, but he somehow puts a distinguished spin on it. he's so obviously just like these books! but that also raises a red flag for me, is he overly focused on this appearance, on knowing how to talk a good game, on putting up appearances? im not sure, but its something i think ill keep an eye out for.

so far, i am thinking i could really be onto something. maybe i should have guys bring their favorite couple of books to any first dates i go on (since i go on soooo many of those -__-)! one thing i think i know for sure is...if I see no books at all. i think i should go heading for the hills asap, get out while i still can, that is just scary! you are about nothing?! nothing!?

florence on repeat

anyone who knows me knows how much i eat. i eat a lot. constantly, haha. but once in awhile i don't eat. sometimes when i need to feel i don't eat. i know it doesn't make sense and I'm not exactly sure why i do it, i can't do it well, i can barely fast a day for religious purposes. but sometimes being hungry helps me feel. maybe it is a kind of fast, a kind of cleanse, i wonder sometimes if that hunger pain helps me think more clearly. it probably doesn't but there is something about the hunger that gives me focus.

i've been in a funk for a week or more. its strange, because i cant decide if its the stress of not knowing what comes next, the complexity of trying to decide where my motivation comes from, or the awareness that i've never really had to deal with my emotions on my own before that is making me so sour. i do not like to be irritable. i become very conscious of being snappy, bitter, and i only act this way towards the people i love most. so its easiest for me to be a loner. just to be alone. so i go off on my own and people don't understand. or more often don't notice. its strange for me. i am so open, so social, so blah blah blah. usually. people see me as people person, i see me a loner. and i process, and think, and cry, and wish so badly that someone I love would happen upon me and see that everything is not quite alright, that i cant eat, cant work out, can't understand if i'm on the right path. it is hard to wonder, hard to decide.

i miss being courageous. it was so much more plausible, or maybe just easier, with a network i trusted, who knew me. im not good at telling, unless you are a stranger, otherwise it must be sucked out of me, pulled out. i want to tell you but i cant. even if you know that i am not perfect, golden, unbreakable, flawless, helplessly optimistic, i cannot tell you these things of my own will. for the past couple weeks i've just wanted to be someone else, someone who has a lot of problems. which is so vague and makes no sense. and i am so blessed. so blessed with people who love me and where i am in life, and i know i am lucky, but i'm tired. tired of always making decisions based on doing the right thing, based on theology, philosophy, maturity, practicality. i want to buy a plane ticket with money i dont have, leave a note behind and eat salt on wind for a month. i want to walk barefoot in mud and get sick from water that isn't clean enough for my soft stomach. i want to walk in rivers and lie on logs, i want to walk in pouring rain and cry until i reach an ocean. i want to dance my heart out with no alcohol involved. its all i want the courage to do.

i'm not sure i ever want to return to the life i have so perfectly crafted. even if it is selfish of me. i know i am very selfish sometimes. and i dont know what my motivations are. if they are really the things that I identify as such. there are parts of myself that i havent seen in a long time. part of that i think is just being on my own. i seem to have lost a carefree confidence tha ti had based on how i defined myself. now that the structure of that definition has melted away into nothing but nostalgia i have trouble knowing who i am. so giving my best self to the world as a goal has become much murkier. i'm not sure what i have to give. what if i lost it. all of the potential that people saw in me might not ever be developed, because im tired, or burnout, or maybe just lazy. imagine that. maybe i am just lazy, and no one wants to tell me but its always been the case. someone should stamp it on me. brand me as lazy. i've branded myself as tired in a way that i cant beat. i cant beat it, no matter how much i sleep or smile or breathe deeply i still cant beat this dreadful tiredness that consumes me.

being stuck is taking its toll. not eating doesn't make me any more mobile but it does allow me to brace imperfection. it allows me to not strive for it, even if i'm the only one who knows im acting out. for all intents and purposes, its almost sad that this is the only small revolution i have to offer to myself. otherwise i am completely entrenched in babylon. crying at any moment when i think i've disappointed someone, and often someone who doesn't even deserve these emotions. i seem to give this layer of high standards to everyone around me and i must live up to it for them, but im not sure they've even earned it. am i a coward. running around like a chicken with its head cut off, like a puppy, trying so hard to please everyone, when i cant. and im not sure why i try so badly because i don't think they even care. if someone kicked me in the side i don't think i would wake up. maybe once in my life i would have, but now it just keeps me spiraling. i see myself kicked in the side and flying across the floor into the wall with my little paws scratching linoleum and whining as a land with a thud against the wall. its a sad sight to see, but maybe i've always been like that and had no idea. perhaps i've never been courageous. and why do i want so badly to be brave? just so these same people can notice, and applaud?

maybe not. maybe im just doing what i love and its hard and so im faltering. but i have a sneaking suspicion that isnt it. i miss the light feeling of being in love. floating through my days with this kind of implausible confidence. for two years ive been on my own, healing, learning, wondering, reflecting. what was i getting, what was i giving, what do i need. i try so badly to get what i need from the people around me. and i think it might be sad. to think that they can give it to me. it reminds me of when i realized everyone cant go with me where im going. but now i scoff at the self righteousness of that idea. where do i think i'm going that is so specific so hard. except i cant scoff because it seems so true even if i dont want it to be. my biggest fear in life might be that i am destined to be alone. not physically alone, in terms of romantically alone. but just alone. in a place where i have to be alone, mentally, spiritually perhaps. i hate having to hold myself up. i hate it. it weighs down on me in a way that allows m to pity myself. wallow privately in my hunger pain.

it is pitiful that this is all i have to say in the face of babylon. i used to think i had so much more to say. so much to fight and i fancied myself able bodied and ready, but now i realize i really am a rabbit hearted girl.

cuffs

I spent the last hour watching two young guys be detained in handcuffs by the cops. I listened to what they were saying, one kid was 17, and only a sophomore in high school. The cop kind of scoffed at him because of this. There ended up being 6 cops, and two kids pressed up against the fence that separates my house from the sidewalk and street in front. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I cried because the older of the two looked too comfortable, he kind of chuckled with the cops, this wasnt his first time in cuffs. When the last car arrived, he recognized one of the cops, he had been in jail for 3 days recently because of a warrant. I don't know the details, but I cried because when the younger one's mother showed up to get him, she didn't. She wasn't surprised. I thought about a life lived watching friends, neighbors, peers being arrested on the street though the bars of your bedroom window. I wondered how many others in my neighborhood were watching from hidden corners. I felt like I was keeping watch, I don't know for what, for proper police procedure. The kids probably did something wrong, something involving stolen bikes maybe, a car? I couldn't figure it out. But it upset me to watch them, an hour later an officer was throwing something on the ground across the street, some kind of bike wrench. The mom had to walk across the street and pick it up off the ground, then take her son to her car as he tried to conspicuously rub his wrists. I saw him rubbing his wrist and tried to find the herschel quote about always being surprised. I'm happy to remind myself that I could never be apathetic, but I don't know what a moment like this means for me, for my future, for where my life is going. I don't want young latino kids comfortable in handcuffs, comfortable as 17 year old sophomores. I was 14 when I was a sophomore.

I can only ball you up inside of me for so long

But every time I smell ginger mint tea you come rushing out of my eyes

Streaming down my cheeks like warm hot rain in summer

The most refreshing type of pain I can’t imagine

I invent you

Age you in my mind

Lying in bed on top the covers, clothed

Face to face,

You are everything I need you to be

We are tired of the rumors

Of the details

Tired of trying to understand

His plan

Is incomprehensible

So I create you

Grown from my seventh grade memories

i cant explain the way my desire to do art eeks out of my body. sometimes im in tears, i dont know what to do, or how to do it, but i have this passion exploding from my pores, and i dont know how to harness it, or how to be productive with it.

sometimes i just want someone to tell me what to do, but then i also get so scared. i have nothing to offer but myself. i have no money, so that means i have no way of funding myself and nothing but blood , sweat, and tears to give, and that i will give, but i dont know how to prove it.

can hard work & determination really pay off in this industry, i believe it does and it will, i just need to find out who will give me a chance to prove myself. or where i can begin to create this space, and then the fear of failure starts to creep in, now more than it ever has before, which is so strange to me, because my confidence has always been my claim to fame, my advantage over others. ive never sat around before and wondered if i was enough, not that i can remember anyway. and now i wonder if i am enough.

how do i market myself? when dont yet have a resume to prove it, and that is what i need to start working on now, and i feel so late in the game.

so now i have to work harder, write more emails, contact more people, try that much harder, i need to create a space for myself, even if it seems room for one doesnt exist.

today i saw a pale yellow house with a purple door

today i saw a pale yellow house with a purple door

but i felt so much

a tear rolled down my cheek as i wondered

i wondered about that door and what it meant to the person who had painted it

people move in and out

they come and go

time passes

some are welcomed into doors with opened arms

others yelled out of doors

"don't let it hit you on the way out"

i look up at you standing heavy leaden with suitcases in the doorway

looking at me timidly

tentatively

unsure of what my response to you will be

in my mind i meet you in airports

making movie like scenes where people stop and think of how beautiful we are

touched by the contagiousness of our joy

a heeled foot perhaps or a sneaker, pops up in the air

as a bag is dropped down to the ground to relieve a heavy laden hand

my fingers intertwine with empty air

wondering if that is even what i really want

if its what i've ever wanted

if i ever will

your smile in my doorway is what i think i want

but you're a chesire cat

wonderful to be with

but its so dreadful when you are missing

and i wander alone on dark paths

thinking about the joy that they could bring

i walk barefooted, feeling the roots of trees through soft forest mud

i wiggle my toes in warm beach sand

i slide them under your body on the couch

you know my toes get cold

i see your body fading and your smile in the doorway

your chinky eyes fade slowly

and your smile now leers at me

mocking my naivete

i'm on kayak again

ever disappointed at the price of plane tickets

thinking about what it would take for me to get to you

where i would take you

where i might find you

what you look like now

snow whips around outside

i play with opacity in my mind

deciding how much of a wall it creates

how much i can see through

how soundproof it is

how well i can see you approaching through it

trudging through the snow towards me

sitting in a pale yellow house

a purple door painted with love

Molting Grace

The problem with having a split personality is that you know that as soon as everything is going right, something will go wrong.

Split personalities,

trusting in God,

having faith and hope and knowing that by his grace I can do all things,

When things go wrong I get so down inside,

so confused, so unable to cope but only because

I can’t get myself quite where I need to be intellectually.

Why does my own intellect get me down?

Maybe ignorance is bliss,

and I need to stop looking down and around at the people and the situations that make me stop and think.

All I wanna do with my life is make you stop and think,

I think,

that’s what I say,

I do truly aspire to inspire, but I get lost along the way.

Other things pop up, I get stressed, I see bright lights,

I wonder if I should just do what I’m good at to get this bread, and get ahead,

or at least get out,

get out of these school loans and this cage of anxiety that I trap myself into based on the fact that I don’t know what I want to do with my life.

I’m young, they say

the world is yours, they say

you are blessed and talented and beautiful,

and I know I am lucky to have the encouragement,

they say you can be successful.

These are the words that the little kids that I want to inspire need to hear,

the words that never reach their little ears

and so they see themselves as lumps of black coal without personality and value,

til they throw on bright kicks, learn to jerk or drop it low,

they wiggle with it and see that their lumps are in fact flexible,

see they can be a gangster or reinterpret the word ho, but fuck it,

cuz they’re just getting that money.

And I have all the words in the world,

to try to tell them to slow down,

to look inside, to realize the talent that they have,

to be something, something wonderful,

I want them to give their best selves to the world.

And I have all the words,

and yet for me these same words I want to pass to them create a pressure cooker,

and I drown inside them, water boiling up around me,

a bright future shoving its letters into my nostrils and making it hard to breathe.

I am gasping for air in a world that threatens to suffocate me

because of all of its great expectations.

I am the only one that doesn’t see them, or I do,

but now I am a lump of clay terrified of being molded into the wrong image,

being a beautiful statue that represents nothing, but is powerful.

Or being plastacine,

never ever taking a final form,

I’m a chameleon, just adapting to anything but not having anything that speaks of home, that helps me take my final form.

I am molting,

which just means my skin is fucking falling off and my soft wet red bleeding insides are left pulsing,

exposed to the world, to the dirt of it,

the sting of hot air full of other people’s breathe and bacteria,

whipping against the sinewy muscles of my neck, my shoulders, my back, infecting me. And this hazardous situation doesn’t seem to have a way out.

jaded, the healthy alternative?

I think I'm starting to understand what it is like to be in Los Angeles, and now I am more conscious of the things that I was afraid of in the first place. I was afraid to come to LA because I thought people would be superficial and fake, and arriving here, I've been very pleased to find a community of old friends, and meet some wonderful new friends who have helped me reaffirm my faith in humanity, artists, and people who just have a certain understanding about the ways of the world, systems, human behavior and relationships with people.

However I've also begun to understand how being here could make me jaded, and the strangest thing about it, is that I'm not sure if it is unhealthy or a "necessary" reality check. The ting that has made me realize it most is my relationships with people, and the hardest part about this past week is that I feel like all I hear is a big I told you so from my ex echoing in my head, and the thing is that he never even meant it like that.

I am used to living in a reality which I am beginning to realize, though I've neared this realization before and pushed it off as pessimism, that my reality, my rules, my way of viewing the world around me, and perhaps most importantly my expectations of people and what relationships mean and work, isn't the norm. My ex hurt me bad once, he said something to the effect of, "You need to stop thinking that everyone you are invested in is as invested in you, because they aren't." And that hurt. That hurt because I've tried so hard to find a community despite the fact that I've never lived anywhere for more than four years and have trouble being truly vulnerable with people because I don't necessarily see them as permanent. I value my relationships with people, but I've more recently in the past few years been realizing what it means to not only invest in people you see on the daily, but make real efforts to reconnect with others, stay present even when not physically present. And it isn't easy, and I can't say I'm good at it.

But being out here is different. The kind or behavior that I grew up considering to be respectful, intuitive, second-nature, all of these things that I took for granted, rules like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" are not necessarily rule for everyone. Or perhaps that isn't even it entirely, because its a combination of being willing and able to be available to people, to have an "its just nice to be nice" outlook on life, but then it also has to do with being able to recognize what people want and need.

At times it might be just recognizing if someone is lonely, if someone is bad at asking for help but needs it, if someone is just having a tough time and might need a hug...because I do very truly believe in the power of human touch.

It's strange because just last week I had a conversation with a wonderful friend of mine who was saying that there was something very wonderful in the way that I am not jaded. But this week I wonder if its just something that should be chalked up to naivete. I don't know if my naivete is something I want to hold on to or not. I want to hold on to it, I want to be someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. But I'm realizing that this is often a lifestyle that leads to hurt, pain, disappointment, complications, or just straight up awkwardness and miscommunication.

I don't want to be jaded, I kind of want to be naive, if being naive is just being equated with being nice, and happy, and carefree and optimistic, and trying to do the right thing. I have always thought a lot of this outlook on life comes from my faith in God, my confidence, because I do not feel alone, because I have a relationship with God that makes me just want to do the right thing, help people when I can, try to make people smile. But now thinking about it, I see the turn the other cheek thing more clearly, and the fact that the answer to how many times to turn the other cheek is seventy times seven means a lot of pain. So does being Christian in that way, among a community of people in the world who do not believe the same way or react the same way mean a lot of constant pain. I would say yes, but then if I go back to Eckhardt Tolle I see that the pain comes mainly from the disappointment, from the realization that things are not reciprocal, that everyone doesn't see the world the same way you do. And if that is the case than the key is just to be nice, do things for other, try to meet others where they are, always go out on a limb for people, always try to come through in the clutch, try to be the reliable one, the ride or die chick, and not expect anything in return. And that, that is a hard road to walk. And one that, unless you are extremely involved in a Christian Community (which I don't necessarily know if I want to be, because for some reason I always feel like I'm not doing enough, don't care enough, perhaps am not naive enough, because I don't want to give everything that I feel like these communities are constantly asking of me) where you are not seemingly the only one attempting to walk that path, is a hard and lonely road.

So right now its almost as if I am considering becoming jaded, considering putting on a tough shell, just to not be constantly upset or feel so easily hurt by things that probably shouldn't hurt me.

cycles.

i've been trying to think of myself in relation to my cycles, there are things I've realized about myself, but becoming conscious of my vices hasn't stopped me from giving into them. one vice is attention. hmm, this goes back to ego. i think everyone craves attention, my problem is i want it when I want it, but not when I don't. I consider myself a somewhat self-contained (private?) person, but often my perception of myself doesn't agree with what other people think of me. Despite the fact that I like to be able to keep to myself at times, I also need constant validation, but then I would argue that it doesn't take much, as long as I get it, just a little bit of it, I'm good to go. Ugh, not going into detail. The bottom line is I feel like I need to check myself...before I wreck myself, some time soon.

FILM!

I've been on set 3 weekends in a row, crazy hours, in all different roles and I love it. I'm working on a bigger set with a full crew, a student production, and its amazing. I have so much fun with them and I learn a lot. I've done production design, helped with the producers role, grip and electric, blocking, stan-in, mundane PA tasks and its been brilliant. Bummed not to be with them this weekend, but I had to do my own thang...

So I shot my first shoot last night (more on this later I'm too tired to think straight and do it justice), completely flipped my bedroom and its strange, in theory i like it better this way, its cleaner, sleeker, more adult, more like a bachelor, haha, essentially how i think in my head my room should look when I'm really grown, really have my own place. Had to take my 9 Bob posters off the wall to prepare and now I kind of miss them. We'll see if I decide to live in my set or return to my space.

thoughts:

Actors are incredible. The idea of living out your emotions constantly, being so raw, so real, bearing your soul for constant scrutiny day-to-day is wild. I'm an artist, but acting it something completely different. I know one thing for sure I will never be, and thats someone who takes actors for granted or disrespects them.

I can do this. I've been so afraid of being here, in this space, this place, this environment. But I realized that it's really just about who you are as a person, just as everything is. I've been so nervous I forgot that its really just about relationships with people, and that's what I really care about too. Living a life where I can form relationships and create art is all I want to do, and this is for sure the space to do it.

Community. I am building a community, and I realize it is a network, but it goes far beyond the word "networking" a phrase which I disdain the connotations of, but for me its less like a spider web and more like a cocoon.

Regret. is a killer, regret is linked with guilt for me, and i allow myself to be eaten up, swallowed up. I bargain with myself, make promises, and decisions, and then regret them, don't listen to myself, talk myself out of things in the moment. Somethings gotta give. And its got something to do with me. Or its gonna be a downward cycle.

Faith: Undefined

today i eat breakfast with the voice of mars blackman echoing in my head, though i'm far from home, nyc, my mentors, the dear brooklyn i've created for myself as a home in my head, i know i'm in the right place. despite the pressure, and the fear i just cant seem to shake. i feel already behind when I'm not, i'm worried work will overwhelm me, money will run out, and I'll have nothing to show for it. I'm full of fear in a way that I haven't been in the past. My constant observing keeps me on the outside of most interactions except in the most intimate of settings and conversations.

but its okay? its okay? its alright? I hear myself ask myself in a Mars Blackman refrain that only Spike Lee can accomplish and have it be endearing rather than annoying. The Nola Darling in my head smiles and laughs as I take my first bite of reheated orzo for breakfast and confirm to myself, yes, its alright. its okay, its good, and laugh out loud at how ludicrous it all is.

Salim said yesterday in the most real joke ever, "I want to change the world through my films." He followed up with, "its not even about the money." He laughed, and I laughed at this clear ring of truth because its true, its so true, its all we are set out to do. What a goal, with one so large its hard to not be afraid, afraid of failure, afraid of the obstacles that will inevitably try to knock us to our feet, get us off our game, tell us we're nothing, we don't matter, no one cares about the inner lives of black characters, no one ever has. And its so untrue, but such an easy lie for the industry to sell.

I miss the feeling of security that seems so gone. I realize I no longer know how to define myself. I want to see it as freeing- Faith:Undefined. Instead I am afraid, I have no affiliations, I sat in the sun after a workout staring out at the pool, the unfamiliar campus, allowing the sun to shine down on me and choking back tears. My fear is palpable at times. There's no track team, no pi alpha, no fro-co team, no society. They are all there, they all still exist, but they are not the same. It is impossible not to notice that this affiliation inevitably has changed, if in no other way strictly because of the lack of physical space that once accompanied all of this, all of these ways in which I defined myself.

Fear is the worst, and guilt is right after. One emotion has replaced the other. Somehow I'll live with it. I'm anxious. Anxious and antsy, I can't stay still, don't feel I deserve to, don't want to be with myself for that long. I don't like the pressure I put on myself, or I don't want to face what I must do. I have so much catch up to do, I feel so unprepared to be here. but at the same time I know its the right place to be.

i'm creating a brand here....

here goes.

http://briggyfsugarcubes.blogspot.com/

sugar cube blog

i think its time for a new blog. its the best way to split up my multiple personalities and keep people updated on my life. this one is still my heart, where i pour out all of my crazy thoughts so thickly that hardly i even want to wade through the syrupy mess that i've created. the new blog will be just as sweet, but easy to understand and digest. like sugar cubes.

my breath catches in my chest, i'm far too nervous to be creaking open the door to my own room. but i am, i push it open just a crack and can only see the corner of my makeshift bed and a bit of light streaming in through the crack in the curtains. i push the door open further and exhale, you're still there, your wide smile greets me as you sleepily roll over and i can feel my face break into an uncontrollable grin. i drop my stuff and cross the room giddily, climbing onto the bed to straddle you. i'm so pleased that you're still there, and you're so cute as i watch you emerge from the realm of half sleep to consider me there in front of you. i can feel between the beats in your heart how mutual the feeling is, and i feel like the luckiest girl in the world as i realize how much you want me to be there in that moment.

re-revelation

When I think about myself, who I am as a person, and who I want to be, I most often consider myself to be passionate. This is what I value most about myself, and what I hope people consider me to be.

It seems like when I'm writing and thinking I so often come to the same conclusions, but then I have trouble implementing the changes I want to see in my life. There are many mistakes I make over and over again, and I hope that now, as I make another big transition I can really make these changes.

First off I have to stop forgetting how blessed I am and losing faith, but I also need to nurture my relationship with God, and not take it for granted. He has proven time and time again, in the most difficult and unsure of situations that he ALWAYS has my back, that he keeps me close, thinks of me, and loves me. So often I think of Christians and how we say and sing "who am I that he is mindful of me." The answer to me is more than a friend of God, or the best definition of friend. I'm not sure exactly how to go about pursuing this relationship, but I hope to find a church like ECV in LA and I want to hold myself to going, learning, living, and loving with him. I want to "live life with God in the company of friends." The best way to live. Thanks ECV.

Also I need to work out how I feel about guys, there's a new one in my life, let's call him "taio", I'm not sure he has an idea how taken I am with him, but it does mean I have some thinking to do. What does it mean that he is across the country and we both have 2-3 years of school in front of us. Am I ready to think about someone in that way? It scares me that I think I am, I'm not sure if it's just infatuation, I've been in relationships, I don't think I fall easily, but I have in the past not only fallen heavily, but also fallen thoroughly and seemingly helplessly into these things. But never so quickly, which worries me but also excites me. Is it a good thing that its less planned out, less circumstance and arguable more instinct. I'm inclined to say yes, and what does that mean...I don't know.

Sex? I think I'm gonna be temporarily abstinent again. That was a good period of time for me, a lot of personal development I think. And I am stupid about it too often, so if I cant do it right, I say better not to do it at all.

So these things have certainly been on my mind: God, Taio, and Sex. Now I need to talk about being gorgeous. I guess I've been stuck on my appearance a lot lately and it doesn't help that my supposed best guy friend said that he thought it was kind of "disgusting" the way I'd been lounging around in sweatpants and t-shirts for damn near two weeks. Ouch. My first instinct was to be pissed off, laugh it off, and be kind of hurt. But then I decided to eat the fruit and throw away the peel, I thought about how I want people to see me, how I want to present myself, and also how my Dad had asked my mom to get cuter houseclothes back in the day. Now when this happened I was pissed off and offended for her. Why should she wear velour sweatsuits like the diva sis when she is home alone? Dad said part of it had to do with visitors, but I think it also had to do with what is sexy, what is appealing, what is ideal. And at this point I don't think it's all bad. I do want to be those things. I've decided I'd like to be a bit more glamorous. Maybe that isn't the right word...I'm not super glamorous, but I think I can afford to be a bit more manicured, not super manicured, but enough. So I'm going to work on that. So part of this will definitely have to do with continuing to rid my wardrobe of sweats and shitty clothes when I get to LA but also putting effort into how I look every day...not just when I know I'm leaving the house. there. you win. but i think I win too.

So it changes to God, Taio, Sex, Appearance, Glam.

and lastly money.

I MUST LEARN TO MANAGE MONEY BETTER. I MUST. I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT A FRIVOLOUS LIFESTYLE. NEVER COULD. AND IF I DON'T WORK ON IT, AND ALSO BE A GOOD STEWARD, I WON'T SURVIVE. PERIOD.

Grant Me Strength

Give me the strength Of verdant hills Washed clean by summer rain; Of purple hills At peace when weary Day Sinks quietly to rest In Night's cool arms; Of rugged, wind-whipped hills That lift their heads Above the petty, lowland, valley things, And shake their shoulders free Of bonds that hold Them close to earth; Of snow-capped hills Sun-kissed by day, by night Companioned by the stars; Of grim volcanoes Pregnant with the fires Of molten fury! Grant me strength, Great God, Like that of hills!

-Esther Popel

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

so is my man hiding in brooklyn?

so i’m back on my, my future man is…tip, and its really hard.

why? i feel like there are many facets of myself: who i am, who i project, how i wish to project, and they don’t always mesh nicely together. but the idea of finding a dude who can not only deal with all that but also reflect it, encourage it, fit in perfectly, or be able to piece all the bits of me together like a puzzle. that’s a difficult task. and i’m looking for a master of puzzles.

i know i’m not the easiest girl to be with. and i’m not saying that in a self-deprecating way, because i actually believe that i’ll be quite a catch, but its just a fact. i’m very independent, i’m very free spirited, sometimes my logic is arguably illogical, i have a lot of guy friends, i don’t run around trying to be super cute all the time, and sometimes i spread myself too thin trying to do too much and get a bit stressed. i will say that in a relationship the lucky thing is that we probably won’t fight, i’m good at compromising and reasoning, and not really into the whole argument thing, its a dumb waste of time. but i’m getting off task…

the new question im dealing with is what does this man look like? thanks tohttp://swagger360.blogspot.com i’m alarmed to find out that i think this man resides in Brooklyn, which is sad because that is the home that i was expecting for myself and now instead I’m in Berkeley, California and heading to LA in less than a month by way of Palo Alto. All very exciting I’m sure, but very unBrooklyn. Anyway, what’s this dude’s vibe? Is he a laid back dreaded artist, a mechanic who isn’t afraid to work with his hands? Is he a student, with a slightly hipster vibe and/or a leather messenger bag? Is he swagged out, pulling off outfits that only Lenny Kravitz and Jimmy Hendrix could ever really try and yet he is able to do it? Are we a dashing couple b/c we both love to dress up, do his pin striped suits leave people speechless, or is it his bold sunglasses, suspenders, leather shoes, boat shoes, tight jeans, white linen pants? what is it? what’s his thing, the thing that makes us look perfect walking down the street together whether i’m sweatpants, hipstered out, or looking like a conscious empress, cowri shells on dreads swinging?

well thanks to today’s obviously very important research, I’ve been getting some ideas about what the future man could possible look like. guess i won’t know til i meet him? but i must admit, I do hope he’s fashion forward.

why to say "no" to frequent casual sex: why does the number really matter

so my girl and i were talking about sex. surprise, surprise...and she's kind of back to where i was a little while ago. i think that strong, intelligent, confident women tend to have the mentality that they should be able to wield their sexuality how they want to, so that's like if i meet a guy, and i like him...do i have to set arbitrary rules as to when i can sleep with him if thats what i want to do? I've had multiple conversations with friends my age, older, and younger, recently. I feel like a lot of girls don't get with a lot of guys because they don't want to get the reputation of being loose. which is totally legit, who wants society to see them as a "slut/whore/skank" i mean the names are endless. but beyond "caring what other people think" and we all know that no one wants to be someone who "cares what other people think." okay, so beyond society's ideas of why women should get wth a lot of men...what's stopping a "single, sexy, & free" (mya) female from getting with who she wants.

well...danger, numbness, and cheapness are my reasons. and let me first clarify that i'm not coming from a hypocritical or holier than thou POV, i'm speaking from personal experience, trying to save you some trouble. I'm talking about what i know about.

here's the deal, you get to the point where you consider yourself to be a woman like a man, you are safe, smart, like the chase, and you are always in control. you get to have great sex with hot guys, sometimes little flings, and you enjoy yourself. plus you aren't an idiot about it, you keep your mouth shut, spread out the guys over spaces and friend groups, and people don't even know about most people you get with. though there is some kind of vibe about you that definitely doesn't scream virginity...its kind of mysterious and sexy.

but the reality is that the more guys you sleep with the higher chance of danger, regardless of how safe you are the chance of you misjudging someone's character, the chance of you catching something, the chance of the condom breaking, the chance of you giving in to the urge to not use a condom, and the inevitability of sexual imprinting is higher.

you and the guy can both try to be super safe and accidents happen. condoms break. someone might have something and not know it, both of you can get caught up in the moment and opt out of a condom, something strange could happen with birth control...you never know.

beyond that what about the guy, it might not be the first or second time you sleep with someone, it might be fun and safe, but what if he gets too comfortable, what if even though you thought you knew him, he all of a sudden puts you in a situation you are uncomfortable with. what do you do? yell at him, slap him, walk out, have a logical conversation...maybe you do nothing. maybe you do all of the above and he still smiles in your face the next day. who do you tell, how do you feel?

okay so those are physical dangers. but what about psychological shit? imprinting. its really hard not to compare. and its kind of inevitable that you are going to do it. so as you are introduced to more and more guys, more and more sexual styles, you are going to be making these comparisons, and that kind of sucks, and is unfair to you and the guy.

then there's how it makes you feel about yourself, how it makes you feel about the act of sex. and whats the point of casual sex? most people agree that 90% of the time, better sex comes from having an intimate connection with the person. so why have lots of bad sex, this is a simple quality over quantity equation. strive for quality sex.

alright, this part is a little offensive, but its a good comparison.

how do you answer the question, why should i stop having sex with lots of different guys.

its like getting fat. i love double chocolate cake, but if i ate chocolate cake with chocolate frosting all the time, it wouldnt be as good, i wouldn't get as excited every single time i had it. and also...id be being unhealthy, potentially getting fat. and it doesn't click for some people, they don't say to themselves i cant eat this food for all of these reasons, and then stop doing it. it takes self control. but then and they get fat. we're too smart and have too much going for us to be getting fat.

and when it comes down to it, people who are overweight have more problems socially and otherwise. it seems very harsh to say, but it is true. and often people who are not in control of their own healthy lifestyle tend to have more issues about how the feel about themselves, lower self-confidence.

if it happens it that scenario, and it can definitely happen in this scenario too. after awhile based on just numbers alone, you're gonna start feeling cheap, someone will say something in anger or as a joke and it'll sting, and even if yo don't want it to, if you want to brush it off...it might not work, it might stay there, hurting, making you feel like shit, and you can't start over. then there's the fact that people might ask you how many, you either lie (lying about anything is shitty and sucky and difficult), tell the truth, or tell them its not their business, but ether way people form their own opinions.

so...its takes self control, even if there isn't one really obvious cause and effect, there are affects.