I should be going to bed, but I have so much on my mind. There's religion & then there's one of my friends who I adore.

Let's do religion first. I went to a church today for the first time in awhile, and I felt okay about it, good about it actually. I like church, I like church because it forces me to pay attention to God, it carves out the block of time for me, with him, that I often don't carve out for myself. My relationship with God is very personal, i really often think it doesn't need to involve anyone else and so often communities of believers scare me, overwhelm me, there are too many people who want to make decisions for me I often feel. People are judgmental and have specific expectations that I don't want to match up with. I also hate the way people prioritize religions, or that's not exactly the word. But in my mind it isn't about saying one is better than the other, one is the right way and the only way, its about finding the language best for you to digest. I wouldn't even say the bible is mine, though I do think it is an enlightened teaching, I'm not sure exactly how I feel about Jesus and who he was, I'm just not sure. I do however love God, love our deep conversations, and want to test my faith and hate that I so often do have to promise to stop neglecting the time I want to devote to him, but on the other hand, he barely even asks me for it, and yet blesses me so fully, deeply, and continuously. I don't know what it is exactly that made me not want to walk into that church, but I didn't want to. I was afraid the uggs and purple spandex wouldn't go over well, but no eyelashes batted in my direction. As soon as I got inside I was home, I knew God was home, knew that's where I was meant to be in that moment. So that was a good experience, one I brought myself to reluctantly, but am glad I did.

Now is the friend situation, friend Y. Why do I adore someone who everyone else dislikes, what do I see, what...am I deluding myself? I think not. I know that Y is mean, I know it, but its freeing to me. I think its good to laugh at shit when shit is funny, and I can't do it when not encouraged to. But aligning myself with such a polarizing figure is having consequences, other friends don't get it, don't like it, don't approve. These are friends whose opinions I trust, so it throws me off. And then I realize I prioritize Y over other people strictly because the gender difference adds another element to the relationship. Though its a platonic relationship, I don't ignore this as factor, because I know me. I like to say "chicks over dicks" but I'm not always actually good at it. And why am I so engaged, so invested, so in adoration. I just can't help it.

That's it for tonight I guess because I'm tired. This is so super late for me!

Ahhhh!!!!!!

13 hours yesterday and going on hour 2 of today back in the DMCA, gotta love editing video!

I'm so excited, though I try not to focus too intently on any one thing in the future, just in case it doesn't work out, I'm working towards doing what I love. The idea of studying film next year is so exciting! Specifically if I can be in NYC!!!!

Finally I'll be in an environment where they stop making me do science and math for no freaking reason and I can just revel in art. I'm not going to overcommit myself extracurricularly, and its scary to think but I also won't even have track! I'm going to be really productive over the holidays so next semester I can focus on track and not be stressed out by all of the work that is building up. I just can't let it build up. Ah! Blessed and highly favored!!

I feel like the scene in Elf (Dumb dumb dumb movie) when Will Farrell finds out Santa is coming and just screams like a madman. I love being free to be loud!

refreshed

I feel good!!!!!

Things are coming together! Thankfully.

I made a few oopses, but I'm cleaning them up.

But I feel god, invigorated, validated, encouraged.

Thank you Lord, for picking me up and setting me back on my way.

establishing me-ness

I've never felt this way before, so frazzled, shaken and unsure of myself. It's odd for me, and as I feel it more and more I question as to why. What have I done to lose myself when I thought I was trying so hard to be better connected with myself. So many things point to the obvious, the perhaps truth that I try to push away, ignore, and pretend about. But then all the signs in the aftermath have just told me that I did the right thing for me. Up until now I never questioned it.

But this isn't the time to question it, not really. It's the constant state of being frazzled that makes me wonder why I decided to knock my own feet from under myself. but alas. what's done is done and there's no looking back. can't be. not this time. you only get so many chances to get it right.

so I'm looking forward. staring forward. determined to move forward, even if I don't even know where the hell I'm going. i guess that's why the past is so appealing.

so where did I lose myself? I stopped thinking deeply, stopped being constantly in contact with myself, when everything is going well I think it's easy to do that. when you are honeymooning its easy to stop asking questions. So then you are running without guidelines and begin to loose yourself. Wow.

why does everything just bring me back to a spike lee movie. girl 6. she had specific guidelines when she was acting, that no i wont take my clothes off in an audition, thats not about my acting skills, in her element she set her boundaries.

but outside of her element, as a phone sex operator, she didn't set boundaries, and let it suck her in, let herself go too far. it's easy to slip into fantasy.  you got to have guidelines regardless of the circumstances.

i threw myself into all these new positions of leadership, and cut myself off from the most constant and supporting sources in my life, because I felt it was necessary to progress, to stand on my own feet, or at least to test myself and be assured that this was what I had been doing the whole time. remind myself that I had not fallen into an unassured and dependent self. But in this quest to claim my independence, to remind myself or my strength and ability, here I am lost again, and feeling more lost than before.

but its because there is so much new coming and I'm scared, and nothing is for sure.

am I going to make it.

i guess that's less of the question. it isn't is it going to be alright. It is always alright, because you're living, right.

but is it going to be painless, ideal, wonderful even? not so sure about that.

i've been pushing some people away and drawing some nearer, i've been identifying the people I can't live without, the people who I originally wrote about as those who I think would and could take this journey with me, be in my corner and understand but also enhance the journey. but i don't know if I've had a clear enough mind while I've been doing it.

I can't just ask my dad yes or no anymore it seems.

i was so mad at hombre, for making me think he was waiting for me to grow up, to grow into someone else, to grow into his ideal woman, and i didn't want to give myself up. now I'm not sure if that growth is happening anyway, if it's better and it's needed, or if i'm just so tired and worn that I'm losing myself in another way.

but I'm determined to remember who I am, and to be sure that I establish and re-establish myself, to myself, every day.

-honeychild

Stress & Abstinence

Two things on my mind. Stress & abstinence. Some could argue that it's my vow of "temporary abstinence" that's stressing me out, lol, i lost an outlet. 

Well...not going to argue or agree with that one...

I guess first I'll talk out the abstinence thing. I decided on it about six weeks ago, because I wanted to decide exactly how I felt about sex and sexual activity, thought it was time to take a step back and do some evaluating. I've been doing that, but I've also been so busy that I couldn't really stop and think about it. I think, at least in my experience, it's as easy or difficult to have sex as it is to not have sex. Not sure if that makes sense, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I think the bottom line I've decided upon is that it's time for me personally to be done with casual sex. I think sex is wonderful but I think it is very much dulled when it is not meaningful, when you do not have a connection and attraction to a person outside of simple lust. 

Casual sex is pointless. But is it harmful? At one point I was conceptualizing casual sex similarly to thinking about eating sweets. Eating ice cream is pointless. Eating a mint chocolate chip double scoop ice cream cone does nothing for me, it just makes me feel good. But is it harmful? Well I think casual sex and ice cream differ on a spiritual and emotional level, they both might seem harmless if you have them once in awhile...but with casual sex there is much more to lose. I think you give a lot of yourself when you have sex, a lot of your physical energy, but also when sex is casual there's something at risk. There's the concept of sexual imprinting that says that each sexual experience kind of has a compounded impact on the way one thinks about and experiences sex. But also there's a high risk of abuse. I mean emotional abuse (though physical abuse is definitely also a risk and happens often), with sex one little thing going awry, one odd mutter or request can bring immediate and extreme discomfort. That discomfort could very much stick with you, it's stuck with me.

So the conclusion to the abstinence...no more casual sex. Only meaningful sex, with a partner i know well and trust with myself. 

Onto the stress...

Well I guess im a little nervous, or scared, or just feeling really off my game. 

 Once again I'm in the library, I'm here a lot these days. Alone.

I guess I feel more alone that I've been in awhile. Because I've been in pretty serious relationships since I was 15! And in the few spaces of time when there wasn't a serious relationship there were fillers. Crushes I knew were mutual, random hookups, something.

Now that I'm cutting down on the fillers I feel very much alone.

And then my other ways of relieving stress are becoming equally less accessible. Can't shop because I don't have money. Can't paint, because if I'm painting I need to be filming and I need a memory card because I lost mine and I can't buy one because I'm broke! Exercising does work, but somehow all my other "being down" feeling just disappears during practice and comes right back the minute I leave. So it's more a distraction than a relief.

Anyway, after meeting Terrie Williams and talking to her about her book, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting, I'm going to go vent in mental health today. Lol, not because there's anything wrong, just because I'd like to vent my stress to someone who isn't going to internalize it and therefore also be stressed out!

the broke challenge

i spend too much money

and i don't have money

my current job doesn't pay cash, it pays housing

i haven't been this strapped for cash in years

so it's a challenge, and i have to meet it

i shouldn't be so worried about money and spending

but I'm so used to being comfortable and being able to control my cash flow

i just have to recognize that this is in fact a challenge

and take a deep breath

and go from there

touch

I'm sitting here in class and we are speaking about the concept of touch, who can touch, who should touch, and culturally speaking who touches. One of the guys is from India, and we were talking about the concept of a 'bro' and 'bromance'. He was talking about how in India everyone is a bro, and if a guy is just happy he might come up to you (another guy) and hug you and kiss you just because. He spoke about how it is strange how much men in the states do not touch and also how this 'bro' culture goes back to other cultures, less seemingly evolved cultures as the states like to claim themselves to be.

 I like the idea of touch as okay, it was great to hear him talk about touch. "I love to be touched," he said, then went on to speak about his mother's touch, his friend's touch, and then how boring the concept of being touched by no one other than his significant other for the rest of his life would be. 

I think about myself and how I feel about touch, with both guys and girls. I think I'm a very 'touchy' person, but that sounds strange. I'm very affectionate, my dad has always noted the way in which if I would come into a room where he was as a child, to watch tv or anything else, I would constantly be snuggled up under him, as much as I could. I think I'm still like that, but I'm also awkward about touch. I think I often feel the need to be the one to initiate the touch. There are certain people who if I'm around th

em I'm constantly touching them, my closest guy friends it is always this way. I was always awkward around girls until boarding school, then the influx of female touching threw me off, now I've normalized and I think that yes I am now as 'huggy' with my girl friends. But my guy friends it's definitely much more so, and the line between which its platonic is an entirely other question.

I think often it's either very platonic and both parties understand that, the other individual is also a relatively touchy friend, or there is a mutual attraction. I think where I get weird is when I don't want to give the wrong impression and I think the person might not be much of a toucher themselves with most of their friends or they might think it means i like them in a way where I would want to do something about it, and that's not the idea.

Maybe I'll come back to this, I really haven't deeply considered the way in which I touch before.

deep breath

The main thing that needs to be done today is avoid allowing myself to get so down. I don't really know why I'm feeling like this, guess I'm stressed about my apps for school. My first one is due November 1st and I feel as if I haven't really had the time to sit down and make them very good. Then i also have film due constantly it seems and the technology is the only thing really holding me up. I'm trying to take a deep breath today, get some good work done. I just won't be able to really see any of my friends this week outside of practice.

recent fetishism

My newest interactions make me want to blog even though I'm definitely in the middle of an unfinished paper due today. So I'm giving myself an 18 minutes study break to think things out. Couple things going on right now in the realm of love and lust, which is actually not so serious as it sounds except for that love is what makes the world go round, is it not? 

The sounds of Dylan somehow reminded me of a slightly buzzed conversations about fetishism in which I was the perpetrator. What an interesting, absurd, and yet perhaps accurate idea. As a black woman who studies these things I'm always hyper conscious of the way that I'm being viewed and the way in which my public performance effects this view. Hyper conscious and self conscious are two very different things though, in my world I would consider the former to be positive and the latter negative. So... the question remains could I possibly be fetishizing my newest crush, is it possible for me to do so. As one of my freshman would say, Certainly.  

They'll stone you when you're walking on the street
They'll stone you when you're trying to keep your seat
They'll stone you when your walking on the floor
They'll stone you when your walking to the door
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned

Certainly.  To fetishize is to make a fetish of something.

fet⋅ish

  [fet-ish, fee-tish]  Show IPA

–noun

1.	an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.

2.	any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.

3.	Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

So...have I been fetishizing my crush, I would say that when you fetishize someone you are intensely interested in them as an idea, and the idea of them gets in the way of how you really see them or who they really are as an individual. So a stereotype for example, might make you that much more interested in someone, but in many ways you are projecting your own ideas on the person. People would likely say that because I'm so intensely interested in west indian culture and rastafarianism then if I meet a rasta with dreads I'll immediately fall in love with the idea of him, even if normally his personality traits etc wouldn't have me crushin head over heels. This is what I think about the idea of fetishizing a person.

So where are white guys concerned? It gets complicated. In a way when my girls and I talk about white guys its always an seen as an unconventional idea, "well you better go find you a white boy." It's always said somewhat comically. I took a lot of shit for dating a white guy in high school, but only so much because I'm also white, Im bi-racial. I think white guys are always super surprised when you are interested in them, for this reason you have to approach them completely differently from the way in which you would approach a black guy. At least that's how its been in my experience, I've had to make things very plain, unless the white guy is particularly forward and comfortable with different cultures etc. himself. Normally a white guy who a black girl is crushing on would need to be extremely open minded anyway, to have avoided buying into a lot of signifying icons and images of black women in popular culture and being therefor jaded by them and thus likely to be similarly prone to fetishizing her.

So the question I'm asking myself is if I'm guilty of recent fetishism. I'm going to let myself off the hook and say no. I'm attracted to people who have solid ideas about the way in which they govern their lifestyle. That is something that I appreciate, why? Because I know for a fact that someone who can stimulate me mentally, which often times means having a more existential conversation, becomes that much more physically attractive to me. We already know I have some ridiculous standards in terms of what I find to be attractive, so adding the physical attributes I look for to someone who is a lover of ideas (and deep thinking about the way in which you choose to live your day to day life) is an immediate plus.

I'd love to go on...but I'm already four minutes over the alotted study break and the editing is calling...

love

I'm not afraid to love you deeply, regardless of reciprocity. and oh yeh, im on my brand new shit and my swag is serious.

this is whats been repeating itself in my head recently.

i think i had my a very important experience recently, where it was okay to have a deep love and the feeling was mutual. and I'm speaking pretty strictly platonic.

 My friend and I (we'll call him X because I'm super creative) reunited after some time, two years maybe. and we were talking about when we met and he was like honestly we had one week where we were inseparable and that was that, there is no logical reason why i like you as much as i do, but I truly care about you. and its important to me that you know how you have become extremely important to me, you are one of a few people in my life that I don't want to let go of. (not word for word)

it was hard to not just let my tears stream down, these are things that people might think and feel but don't say to anyone, except maybe a significant other. who can handle you saying something like this to you. or rather, who is really that important. and what must it take to be able to tell somewhat that. it isnt just confidence, but it is something else too. I think there is definitely some god in it, how else can you know and be comfortable with love in that way. love is something different and often misunderstood i think. 

I think I was reared to love people, but also to know that in the end its just you, or just you and your sister is what my parents always told me.

the point is. i feel so loved, i feel unbreakable, and so blessed to have the people I do in my life. who challenge me.

X challenges me greatly, and two days back together again before parting was has already changed my life. 

I really need to think more about my every action, and not do things out of ego, which I'd definitely fallen into. I think my casual physical interactions have all been out of ego. its this ego that has made me just try things to see if I can, and enjoy the chase, but it wasn't really about an action that can deeply affect me as a person. In my head it seems right and good to go back to that as the goal in these interactions. But I am not even sure that this deep emotional connection is really what I want. It seems like so much less fun...is the just for fun stuff "wrong" or "negative" at least. Who decides? I wish I could pinpoint for myself exactly the affects. for example...I don't want to lose pieces of myself and rack up ghosts in my bed ...if that is what happens with each of these experiences, a very particular type of imprinting, one that is likely hurting me. i'm not sure I buy it though.

If I'm going to be able to make a very specific change in my life, behavior etc. I need to really believe that there is a reason for it, and I'm not sure I do believe that.

The other thing has to do with loneliness. I think with leadership and wisdom there does come loneliness, and im not trying to say i'm super wise or the next mlk, bu I have been blessed with intelligence that I can recognize, and through my relationship with god I think there is a certain amount of discernment I also cannot avoid. I'm wondering how I will deal with this loneliness as I go on with life. sometimes i embrace it, and sometimes I run from it, as fast and far from it as I can.

X has experienced this kind of loneliness, i think it ws something he couldn't quite articulate, but he didnt have to, just looking at his face i felt it, i wonder where I will end up? I love people, and children, I love to make a difference when I can, and I want to live a life to serve humanity, I definitely do, but I also want to be comfortable, and there's usually a disconnect between serving others and serving yourself, its hard to do both. 

I think through film I'll be able to do both, do what I love, but bring attention to serious issues in a digestible way, but success in the film industry is a completely different story all together.

well. x loving me is so important to me. having people in your life that you can relate to and speak to about spiritual things is really important to me.

its hard to keep in touch with people, but i want to do it. i want the people who have touched me deeply to know it. even if only for a minute.

 i've just been playing with photoshop...lol, a little bit too much.

bag lady

"Bag lady you gone hurt your back

Dragging all them bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you

All you must hold on to

Is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way

One day all them bags gone get in your way

I said one day all them bags gone get in your way

One Day all them bags gone get in your way

So pack light

Pack light

Pack light

Ooh ooh"

~Miss Erykah Badu~

I love Erykah Badu, and I love bag lady, but I'm trying to turn around the image for myself. I've been called a bag lady quite a few times, that's because if you knew me (this reminds me of gavin degraw nice to meet you anyway...But I just found someone special/And that's really something special/If you knew me/ Nice to meet you anyway), I'm quite the wanderer, always going from place to place, dropping in on friends, nowhere for too long. So sure...I guess I'm a bag lady, but I started thinking about what I carry around in my bags, what my baggage is. 

This kind of goes perfectly along with what I've been doing lately= "trimming" as my dad calls getting rid of stuff, and trying to pack light. For trinidad I basically only really brought one medium size suitcase, an overnight, and a backpack. But that includes textbooks and a video camera too, so I think I did pretty well. Back to baggage, so according to the song bag lady, I would interpret the baggage she carries around to be anything from baby mama drama, ish from past relationships, the kind of thing that, as ms. badu says, makes "Niggas take off runnin" from her.

 So...yeh, well that's not the case for me, that's not the kind of baggage I have, so instead I've been thinking of what I have room for and what I don't. Being newly single I'm working a lot on myself, focusing on myself, re-defining myself, making sure I know exactly who I am so I can act accordingly. Or at the same time, I'm defining for myself the person who I want to be, and trying my best to improve on myself so that my self image isn't off kelter. 

Let's go back to my own image of myself...lol, my alter ego i guess you could say which is the honeychild, barefoot and wild. A definition I've kept inside myself for a long time, to remind myself of who I am, and to make sure I stay myself. So that person is free, whimsical, strong, lively, upbeat, contagiously optimistic, conscious, and energetic. I realize that I'm heading down the career path of a starving artist and I'm preparing myself to embrace it fully, so I'll live the lifestyle of a starving artist, except I won't actually be starving, lol, I plan to be quite successful. I guess I'm re-embracing an alternative lifestyle, living against the grain of the 9-5, the suit and tie, but still being a force to be reckoned with. That's what I'm working towards, I want to be a very full and whole person, the kind of person who just let's everything unimportant roll off their backs, the kind of person who can "eat the fruit, and throw away the peel" as my dad says. And for some reason I always think of eating an orange when he says this, they are bright, they are citrus, lol, even the peel smells super good.

So I guess...I want to have positive baggage.

Okay, before I can define my baggage I need to talk about my super incredible friends. I'm just so blessed to have the people I do in my life, and I have a history of being bad at keeping in touch, it used to be a problem with attachment, just because I never wanted to get too comfortable or depend on anyone, because who knew when I was leaving next. I'm over that, and now I want to hold on, I want to be a support system for my friends and also embrace and rely on them, stay in touch, call randomly...well I hate calling...but text, email, and message regularly, lol, that I can do. 

Okay, so in terms of baggage I'm not really thinking of baggage at all...this is the most random post, but I'm thinking about my journey, and who can come with me. For some reason I feel like it takes a certain kind of person to be a wanderer, and to be comfortable with a wanderer, so I want my friends to be able to come with me on my journey, and believe in me as I go along. I feel like its like... I need you to support me in all my eccentricities, but if you can, I promise you it'll be worth it. I always tease that I'm a lover not a fighter, but it isn't really a joke, I am a loving person. I love people, I love so many things about people, the way we think and function. Though I can get along by myself, I'm a people person, I love relationships with people, I think you can learn so much about yourself from the relationships that you have with people. And that being with people can be mutually beneficial, and then it can also be difficult, having run ins with some people who just aren't good for you, but even those relationships you learn, and hopefully they are short-lived and relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of your life.

 So in a way, I feel like I'm saying I'm solidifying my crew. And I'm ready to be in it for the long haul, if you can handle taking me as I am. I want to make sure that the people who mean the most to me know it, and know that I love them for who they are, and appreciate them in my life. 

There's a group of guys from high school, a couple years older than me, who have modeled this for me, and you can just tell they love each other so much, I adore seeing them together. And thinking about it, there's an older yale crew just like that, and I love seeing them together, its really something beautiful.

I have some wonderful and amazing friends and I want to make sure they know I'm thankful for them and I appreciate and love them.

So...what I don't have room for in my bags:

doubt: doubting my capabilities or yours, talking people out of their dreams just because they aren't conventional, there's no room for that, we gotta be free, you need to have at least a little hippie in you, be able to roll with the punches so to speak.

anger: I just can't do it. you need to be able to let go. I want friends who are strong in their conventions. "If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything." I think a lot of people said this, but it is most often attributed to the late great Malcolm X. So I agree with that, but I can't deal with people holding grudges with people who can't be chill and handle things in a way that doesn't involve a blow up, I need to surround myself by mature adults, there's no room for anger. 

open-mindedness: I mean I know my friends are highly intelligent, but we need to be open to new ideas, or at least be able to listen to and consider them. respectful of the opinions of others.

now I don't want this taken the wrong way, I'm definitely not criticizing my friends, or trying to change them or anything like that, not at all, I'm just trying to see where my guns are, and making sure I have a crew I can really trust with myself...sometimes, I think maybe I get nervous about actually trusting people with myself, I don't think it really shows most of the time, but yeh...that fear is there, it exists.

TRINIDAD!!!!!!

six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days! six days!

until I go to sweet, sweet, T&T!

can't wait! too bad I found out yesterday that I had textbooks and school supplies to buy, duh, what the hell was I thinking, oh well, time to kick it into go mode and realize that this is my senior project that I'm working on right now, its not a game, its work and not play this summer!

unconventional: do i believe in serendipity

its just all thoughts that i need to get out and im not sure how well I can do that without sounding mad crazy and cocky and ridiculous. but this is the stuff that I'm thinking about all the time. I mean who can really handle Erykah Badu? It's not everyday you run into someone like Common, Andre 3000, or Jay Electronica. An unconventional chick can really only expect things to work out with an unconventional dude. There are some amazing men out there, and I've been lucky enough to associate with some of them, but I can't be getting with an MLK type if my soulmate is a Malcolm. ya diggs?

the absurdity that is my criteria

I'm trying to figure out what's next for me? I like dating, I like flirting, but the last thing I want is a relationship! My friend told me I'm the kind of girl guys fall in love with. But that just scares me, its like nothing can ever not be serious, the stakes always get to high too quick. And I'm not trying to be a hurtful person, I guess I really just don't know what I want, or rather, i think the person I want is so few and far between, lol, that it will probably be a couple of years before I run into someone who can deal with my "difficulty" as another friend who just met his match so perfectly put it. 

When I first went to college I wasn't even thinking about a relationship because I truly thought that there weren't going to be any guys that could handle me, and that's not in relation to my ego, because I know i have one of those too, but that's in terms of the kind of person i am. I love to be around people, and I hang out with people I've had relationships with in the past, or flings with at the least. And yes, I love to be surrounded by beautiful people, I crush a lot, and if I didn't have the potential to have a little crush of some sort on you, I probably wouldn't hang out with you in the first place. 

But isn't that everyone? Girls always say the more you hang out with someone and get to know them the cuter they get. It's not that they get any cuter but as you realize the things you have in common and the more you like to hang out with them, you think maybe...wow this person has all these qualities, they might be just my type. So...a lot of people try it and see what happens. Most people don't figure out in advance, you know what...this one might just be better as a friend, so then as Jazmine Sullivan says "why does it feel like those who give in, they only wind up losing a friend?" and its true. I think thats why people don't have many close friends of the opposite sex, because they don't really feel out the situation, give into the temptation, and then when it doesn't work out, shit just gets awkward. If people could just skip the awkwardness and stay friends, you'd have such good friends, because with the tension gone you can both actually be yourself. At least that's been my experience, but then when a significant other comes into the picture, they have trouble dealing with the fact that you are comfortable kicking it with someone you used to sleep with. I don't get why the fear of you getting with that person again is so strong. If I wanted to be getting with that person wouldn't I have been doing that when you came along? 

That being said, I know that's why I'm difficult. Because I'm pretty liberal when it comes to relationships. I think every relationship is kind of an open relationship? you're free to get with someone else if your needs aren't being met, so do it, just let me know, and I'll go my own way. So it's not really an open relationship, but the angst about meeting someone else is gone. I mean I guess, I had one relationship where these were the terms, but we were so obsessed with each other it was never an issue, exactly as it should be. So the theory worked out well. But that was a very particular sort of dude.

So how about the interim? If I meet a guy, he seems like a sweetheart, we start talking, texting, kicking it here and there, maybe hook up, maybe not, does that mean if I kick it similarly with someone else I'm doing something wrong, or I should tell him? That's where the double standard comes in, for girls the answer is usually yes and for guys the answer is usually no. Lol. Well I don't believe in double standards. I do think different partners need different things, so you should be on the same level. 

For example. If I'm in a relationship with a dude and he doesn't like it when I dance with other guys at a club, I'm cool with that. But if he thinks he's about to dance with other chicks he is bugging. And the truth is, I could care less, if we both went to the club, and danced with who we wanted, just knowing we were both leaving together, thats perfectly cool with me too, but the terms have to be the same.

So...in the long term I'm looking for a guy who can deal with me, who I really am, without making me compromise, and I don't want to make him compromise either. Is it too much to think you can find a guy as is and take him as he is? I don't think people really change that much, but that just means that I'm going to have to be super ridiculously probably absurdly particular in terms of guys I give some serious time to. And guys are just going to have to know straight up, that I'm REALLY not looking for anything serious, because in the end, the reality is you probably cant handle it. And that's not to say you aren't an awesome guy, probably one who I could definitely respect too, and spend a lot of time with, but I know I ask a lot. I demand trust when you barely even know me, but the thing is, I can do what I ask for, and most people can't. I usually trust you until you give me a reason not to, whereas it seems most people work in the other direction. But the thing is, I've never had a guy cheat on me (to my knowledge) and I think its because I don't crowd their space. Similarly, I've never really had my heart broken.

I'm just worried about a newbie I have, I mean he's fly, and fiiiiiiine, and a sweet heart, but I don't know what the expectations are, I'm not tryna talk to anyone who's looking to wife me up. Or anyone who is going to assume that just because things get physical that the wifing is assumed and that you're the only guy around that I'm talking to, because...well i'm not ready for that kind of commitment right now. 

I'm not afraid of it. I just know that for a guy to be able to take me as I am, its going to be a very particular type of guy, and not too many exist, and if I've met any yet, I just met them at the wrong time.

So what's my criteria for a potential partner. thoughtful, conscious, spontaneous, spiritual, supportive, understanding, respectful, able to give me space, strong, fine, athletic, artistic, not with too much baggage, educated,  beautiful, super confident, hard-working, tenacious, trustworthy, trusting, a good communicator, open, sensual, scholarly, healthy. 

to be continued...

yes.

 i know that's a lot to ask. but if you don't fit the mold, i feel like at this point I just need to let you know up front that you need not apply.

unless, you aren't looking for anything serious either, then if we are honest and open about that, well, then we can talk.

the upper echelon: elitist dating criteria part II

As I talk to more people about whether or not only talking (or taking seriously) guys (or girls) with certain criteria is elitist, I guess it is, but is it wrong?

My friends are saying for example if we are pushing ourselves to get to where we are, we are only going to be looking for people from the same echelon as we are, as in also pushing and striving and well aware of the fact that they are going somewhere. As in also trying to go to school, have a well-paying job, working on getting their own place, or living on their own. 

And this is the criteria, regardless of life circumstances, it may not be fair, but that's how it is. And it isn't necessarily as if we are trying to marry into something else, but we are looking for mutual benefit in a relationship. I get that, and not so much financially but someone who is going to stimulate you emotionally, intellectually etc. Not that if you don't have an ivy league degree you can't do that, but I think people need to be on the same level sometimes to avoid awkwardness, guilt, certain things they wont talk about, like who pays for what etc. I get that too?

Beyond that though I mean, how is this more elitist or wrong than not looking twice at a guy because he's too short, or because he isnt your type, strictly based on appearance. That's probably worse and we can't act like we all don't do it. I also know guys who will say, I only talk to ghetto girls, or no I can't talk to her, she speaks way too ghetto. Can we be mad at either outlook? 

I'm going to say no.

the upper echelon: elitist dating criteria part I

Well I'm here in Cali and I've been thinking a lot about guys, just the concept of them more than looking for one myself. I'm not right now. After getting out of a serious relationship I've been contemplating the constant search for Mr. Right more than actually participating in it myself. 

There are a couple things I've been thinking about, and one is to what extent you look for a guy that's in the same lifestyle as you are, so along with this goes education, financial background, occupational expectations and aspirations, right? But if these things help us determine who our potential partners are...to what extent do we limit ourselves? I went out with my friends and met a bunch of guys and then we found out they all work in best buy...as a bunch of college students that was kind of an immediate pump the breaks. is that messed up? Some of my really good guy friends work so-called "blue-collar" jobs, they don't work on wall street or in hedge funds or anything like that, they didn't necessarily go to ivy league schools or anything, and they are amazing, thorough, good men...so would I immediately pass one of them up if i met them when I was out, strictly because of where they do, or don't, go to school? Would I immediately decide that because they may not have had the opportunities I've had that they don't have the motivation to better themselves, even if perhaps they just haven't had success yet, and maybe that is just because the obstacles they face are so much harder. But what am I looking for, if I plan to be an extremely successful black woman, who has already accomplished much in my field by the age of 25? Does that mean I'm only looking for someone who is moving in the same circles as I am. So that I can guarantee that I will be middle or upper-middle class not only by myself and for myself but in addition to whoever I end up with? Because that way I don't have to worry about supporting anyone else? I think that's the fear people have, or at least no one imagines that a woman might be the main "bread-winner" in a family. What if  you end up with a teacher, a mechanic, the manager of a retail store, or the owner of a record shop? 

But then they say that a highly-successful black woman is intimidating to most guys, so you wouldn't be able to find one of those anyway is the assumption?

 I'm not sure...but more on that later...because I'm getting really distracted by my friends, the smell of dinner, and kill bill.