I'm not afraid to love you deeply, regardless of reciprocity. and oh yeh, im on my brand new shit and my swag is serious.
this is whats been repeating itself in my head recently.
i think i had my a very important experience recently, where it was okay to have a deep love and the feeling was mutual. and I'm speaking pretty strictly platonic.
My friend and I (we'll call him X because I'm super creative) reunited after some time, two years maybe. and we were talking about when we met and he was like honestly we had one week where we were inseparable and that was that, there is no logical reason why i like you as much as i do, but I truly care about you. and its important to me that you know how you have become extremely important to me, you are one of a few people in my life that I don't want to let go of. (not word for word)
it was hard to not just let my tears stream down, these are things that people might think and feel but don't say to anyone, except maybe a significant other. who can handle you saying something like this to you. or rather, who is really that important. and what must it take to be able to tell somewhat that. it isnt just confidence, but it is something else too. I think there is definitely some god in it, how else can you know and be comfortable with love in that way. love is something different and often misunderstood i think.
I think I was reared to love people, but also to know that in the end its just you, or just you and your sister is what my parents always told me.
the point is. i feel so loved, i feel unbreakable, and so blessed to have the people I do in my life. who challenge me.
X challenges me greatly, and two days back together again before parting was has already changed my life.
I really need to think more about my every action, and not do things out of ego, which I'd definitely fallen into. I think my casual physical interactions have all been out of ego. its this ego that has made me just try things to see if I can, and enjoy the chase, but it wasn't really about an action that can deeply affect me as a person. In my head it seems right and good to go back to that as the goal in these interactions. But I am not even sure that this deep emotional connection is really what I want. It seems like so much less fun...is the just for fun stuff "wrong" or "negative" at least. Who decides? I wish I could pinpoint for myself exactly the affects. for example...I don't want to lose pieces of myself and rack up ghosts in my bed ...if that is what happens with each of these experiences, a very particular type of imprinting, one that is likely hurting me. i'm not sure I buy it though.
If I'm going to be able to make a very specific change in my life, behavior etc. I need to really believe that there is a reason for it, and I'm not sure I do believe that.
The other thing has to do with loneliness. I think with leadership and wisdom there does come loneliness, and im not trying to say i'm super wise or the next mlk, bu I have been blessed with intelligence that I can recognize, and through my relationship with god I think there is a certain amount of discernment I also cannot avoid. I'm wondering how I will deal with this loneliness as I go on with life. sometimes i embrace it, and sometimes I run from it, as fast and far from it as I can.
X has experienced this kind of loneliness, i think it ws something he couldn't quite articulate, but he didnt have to, just looking at his face i felt it, i wonder where I will end up? I love people, and children, I love to make a difference when I can, and I want to live a life to serve humanity, I definitely do, but I also want to be comfortable, and there's usually a disconnect between serving others and serving yourself, its hard to do both.
I think through film I'll be able to do both, do what I love, but bring attention to serious issues in a digestible way, but success in the film industry is a completely different story all together.
well. x loving me is so important to me. having people in your life that you can relate to and speak to about spiritual things is really important to me.
its hard to keep in touch with people, but i want to do it. i want the people who have touched me deeply to know it. even if only for a minute.
