Let's do religion first. I went to a church today for the first time in awhile, and I felt okay about it, good about it actually. I like church, I like church because it forces me to pay attention to God, it carves out the block of time for me, with him, that I often don't carve out for myself. My relationship with God is very personal, i really often think it doesn't need to involve anyone else and so often communities of believers scare me, overwhelm me, there are too many people who want to make decisions for me I often feel. People are judgmental and have specific expectations that I don't want to match up with. I also hate the way people prioritize religions, or that's not exactly the word. But in my mind it isn't about saying one is better than the other, one is the right way and the only way, its about finding the language best for you to digest. I wouldn't even say the bible is mine, though I do think it is an enlightened teaching, I'm not sure exactly how I feel about Jesus and who he was, I'm just not sure. I do however love God, love our deep conversations, and want to test my faith and hate that I so often do have to promise to stop neglecting the time I want to devote to him, but on the other hand, he barely even asks me for it, and yet blesses me so fully, deeply, and continuously. I don't know what it is exactly that made me not want to walk into that church, but I didn't want to. I was afraid the uggs and purple spandex wouldn't go over well, but no eyelashes batted in my direction. As soon as I got inside I was home, I knew God was home, knew that's where I was meant to be in that moment. So that was a good experience, one I brought myself to reluctantly, but am glad I did.
Now is the friend situation, friend Y. Why do I adore someone who everyone else dislikes, what do I see, what...am I deluding myself? I think not. I know that Y is mean, I know it, but its freeing to me. I think its good to laugh at shit when shit is funny, and I can't do it when not encouraged to. But aligning myself with such a polarizing figure is having consequences, other friends don't get it, don't like it, don't approve. These are friends whose opinions I trust, so it throws me off. And then I realize I prioritize Y over other people strictly because the gender difference adds another element to the relationship. Though its a platonic relationship, I don't ignore this as factor, because I know me. I like to say "chicks over dicks" but I'm not always actually good at it. And why am I so engaged, so invested, so in adoration. I just can't help it.
That's it for tonight I guess because I'm tired. This is so super late for me!
