However I've also begun to understand how being here could make me jaded, and the strangest thing about it, is that I'm not sure if it is unhealthy or a "necessary" reality check. The ting that has made me realize it most is my relationships with people, and the hardest part about this past week is that I feel like all I hear is a big I told you so from my ex echoing in my head, and the thing is that he never even meant it like that.
I am used to living in a reality which I am beginning to realize, though I've neared this realization before and pushed it off as pessimism, that my reality, my rules, my way of viewing the world around me, and perhaps most importantly my expectations of people and what relationships mean and work, isn't the norm. My ex hurt me bad once, he said something to the effect of, "You need to stop thinking that everyone you are invested in is as invested in you, because they aren't." And that hurt. That hurt because I've tried so hard to find a community despite the fact that I've never lived anywhere for more than four years and have trouble being truly vulnerable with people because I don't necessarily see them as permanent. I value my relationships with people, but I've more recently in the past few years been realizing what it means to not only invest in people you see on the daily, but make real efforts to reconnect with others, stay present even when not physically present. And it isn't easy, and I can't say I'm good at it.
But being out here is different. The kind or behavior that I grew up considering to be respectful, intuitive, second-nature, all of these things that I took for granted, rules like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" are not necessarily rule for everyone. Or perhaps that isn't even it entirely, because its a combination of being willing and able to be available to people, to have an "its just nice to be nice" outlook on life, but then it also has to do with being able to recognize what people want and need.
At times it might be just recognizing if someone is lonely, if someone is bad at asking for help but needs it, if someone is just having a tough time and might need a hug...because I do very truly believe in the power of human touch.
It's strange because just last week I had a conversation with a wonderful friend of mine who was saying that there was something very wonderful in the way that I am not jaded. But this week I wonder if its just something that should be chalked up to naivete. I don't know if my naivete is something I want to hold on to or not. I want to hold on to it, I want to be someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. But I'm realizing that this is often a lifestyle that leads to hurt, pain, disappointment, complications, or just straight up awkwardness and miscommunication.
I don't want to be jaded, I kind of want to be naive, if being naive is just being equated with being nice, and happy, and carefree and optimistic, and trying to do the right thing. I have always thought a lot of this outlook on life comes from my faith in God, my confidence, because I do not feel alone, because I have a relationship with God that makes me just want to do the right thing, help people when I can, try to make people smile. But now thinking about it, I see the turn the other cheek thing more clearly, and the fact that the answer to how many times to turn the other cheek is seventy times seven means a lot of pain. So does being Christian in that way, among a community of people in the world who do not believe the same way or react the same way mean a lot of constant pain. I would say yes, but then if I go back to Eckhardt Tolle I see that the pain comes mainly from the disappointment, from the realization that things are not reciprocal, that everyone doesn't see the world the same way you do. And if that is the case than the key is just to be nice, do things for other, try to meet others where they are, always go out on a limb for people, always try to come through in the clutch, try to be the reliable one, the ride or die chick, and not expect anything in return. And that, that is a hard road to walk. And one that, unless you are extremely involved in a Christian Community (which I don't necessarily know if I want to be, because for some reason I always feel like I'm not doing enough, don't care enough, perhaps am not naive enough, because I don't want to give everything that I feel like these communities are constantly asking of me) where you are not seemingly the only one attempting to walk that path, is a hard and lonely road.
So right now its almost as if I am considering becoming jaded, considering putting on a tough shell, just to not be constantly upset or feel so easily hurt by things that probably shouldn't hurt me.
