refreshed

I feel good!!!!!

Things are coming together! Thankfully.

I made a few oopses, but I'm cleaning them up.

But I feel god, invigorated, validated, encouraged.

Thank you Lord, for picking me up and setting me back on my way.

establishing me-ness

I've never felt this way before, so frazzled, shaken and unsure of myself. It's odd for me, and as I feel it more and more I question as to why. What have I done to lose myself when I thought I was trying so hard to be better connected with myself. So many things point to the obvious, the perhaps truth that I try to push away, ignore, and pretend about. But then all the signs in the aftermath have just told me that I did the right thing for me. Up until now I never questioned it.

But this isn't the time to question it, not really. It's the constant state of being frazzled that makes me wonder why I decided to knock my own feet from under myself. but alas. what's done is done and there's no looking back. can't be. not this time. you only get so many chances to get it right.

so I'm looking forward. staring forward. determined to move forward, even if I don't even know where the hell I'm going. i guess that's why the past is so appealing.

so where did I lose myself? I stopped thinking deeply, stopped being constantly in contact with myself, when everything is going well I think it's easy to do that. when you are honeymooning its easy to stop asking questions. So then you are running without guidelines and begin to loose yourself. Wow.

why does everything just bring me back to a spike lee movie. girl 6. she had specific guidelines when she was acting, that no i wont take my clothes off in an audition, thats not about my acting skills, in her element she set her boundaries.

but outside of her element, as a phone sex operator, she didn't set boundaries, and let it suck her in, let herself go too far. it's easy to slip into fantasy.  you got to have guidelines regardless of the circumstances.

i threw myself into all these new positions of leadership, and cut myself off from the most constant and supporting sources in my life, because I felt it was necessary to progress, to stand on my own feet, or at least to test myself and be assured that this was what I had been doing the whole time. remind myself that I had not fallen into an unassured and dependent self. But in this quest to claim my independence, to remind myself or my strength and ability, here I am lost again, and feeling more lost than before.

but its because there is so much new coming and I'm scared, and nothing is for sure.

am I going to make it.

i guess that's less of the question. it isn't is it going to be alright. It is always alright, because you're living, right.

but is it going to be painless, ideal, wonderful even? not so sure about that.

i've been pushing some people away and drawing some nearer, i've been identifying the people I can't live without, the people who I originally wrote about as those who I think would and could take this journey with me, be in my corner and understand but also enhance the journey. but i don't know if I've had a clear enough mind while I've been doing it.

I can't just ask my dad yes or no anymore it seems.

i was so mad at hombre, for making me think he was waiting for me to grow up, to grow into someone else, to grow into his ideal woman, and i didn't want to give myself up. now I'm not sure if that growth is happening anyway, if it's better and it's needed, or if i'm just so tired and worn that I'm losing myself in another way.

but I'm determined to remember who I am, and to be sure that I establish and re-establish myself, to myself, every day.

-honeychild

Stress & Abstinence

Two things on my mind. Stress & abstinence. Some could argue that it's my vow of "temporary abstinence" that's stressing me out, lol, i lost an outlet. 

Well...not going to argue or agree with that one...

I guess first I'll talk out the abstinence thing. I decided on it about six weeks ago, because I wanted to decide exactly how I felt about sex and sexual activity, thought it was time to take a step back and do some evaluating. I've been doing that, but I've also been so busy that I couldn't really stop and think about it. I think, at least in my experience, it's as easy or difficult to have sex as it is to not have sex. Not sure if that makes sense, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I think the bottom line I've decided upon is that it's time for me personally to be done with casual sex. I think sex is wonderful but I think it is very much dulled when it is not meaningful, when you do not have a connection and attraction to a person outside of simple lust. 

Casual sex is pointless. But is it harmful? At one point I was conceptualizing casual sex similarly to thinking about eating sweets. Eating ice cream is pointless. Eating a mint chocolate chip double scoop ice cream cone does nothing for me, it just makes me feel good. But is it harmful? Well I think casual sex and ice cream differ on a spiritual and emotional level, they both might seem harmless if you have them once in awhile...but with casual sex there is much more to lose. I think you give a lot of yourself when you have sex, a lot of your physical energy, but also when sex is casual there's something at risk. There's the concept of sexual imprinting that says that each sexual experience kind of has a compounded impact on the way one thinks about and experiences sex. But also there's a high risk of abuse. I mean emotional abuse (though physical abuse is definitely also a risk and happens often), with sex one little thing going awry, one odd mutter or request can bring immediate and extreme discomfort. That discomfort could very much stick with you, it's stuck with me.

So the conclusion to the abstinence...no more casual sex. Only meaningful sex, with a partner i know well and trust with myself. 

Onto the stress...

Well I guess im a little nervous, or scared, or just feeling really off my game. 

 Once again I'm in the library, I'm here a lot these days. Alone.

I guess I feel more alone that I've been in awhile. Because I've been in pretty serious relationships since I was 15! And in the few spaces of time when there wasn't a serious relationship there were fillers. Crushes I knew were mutual, random hookups, something.

Now that I'm cutting down on the fillers I feel very much alone.

And then my other ways of relieving stress are becoming equally less accessible. Can't shop because I don't have money. Can't paint, because if I'm painting I need to be filming and I need a memory card because I lost mine and I can't buy one because I'm broke! Exercising does work, but somehow all my other "being down" feeling just disappears during practice and comes right back the minute I leave. So it's more a distraction than a relief.

Anyway, after meeting Terrie Williams and talking to her about her book, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting, I'm going to go vent in mental health today. Lol, not because there's anything wrong, just because I'd like to vent my stress to someone who isn't going to internalize it and therefore also be stressed out!