Regret. is a killer, regret is linked with guilt for me, and i allow myself to be eaten up, swallowed up. I bargain with myself, make promises, and decisions, and then regret them, don't listen to myself, talk myself out of things in the moment. Somethings gotta give. And its got something to do with me. Or its gonna be a downward cycle.

Faith: Undefined

today i eat breakfast with the voice of mars blackman echoing in my head, though i'm far from home, nyc, my mentors, the dear brooklyn i've created for myself as a home in my head, i know i'm in the right place. despite the pressure, and the fear i just cant seem to shake. i feel already behind when I'm not, i'm worried work will overwhelm me, money will run out, and I'll have nothing to show for it. I'm full of fear in a way that I haven't been in the past. My constant observing keeps me on the outside of most interactions except in the most intimate of settings and conversations.

but its okay? its okay? its alright? I hear myself ask myself in a Mars Blackman refrain that only Spike Lee can accomplish and have it be endearing rather than annoying. The Nola Darling in my head smiles and laughs as I take my first bite of reheated orzo for breakfast and confirm to myself, yes, its alright. its okay, its good, and laugh out loud at how ludicrous it all is.

Salim said yesterday in the most real joke ever, "I want to change the world through my films." He followed up with, "its not even about the money." He laughed, and I laughed at this clear ring of truth because its true, its so true, its all we are set out to do. What a goal, with one so large its hard to not be afraid, afraid of failure, afraid of the obstacles that will inevitably try to knock us to our feet, get us off our game, tell us we're nothing, we don't matter, no one cares about the inner lives of black characters, no one ever has. And its so untrue, but such an easy lie for the industry to sell.

I miss the feeling of security that seems so gone. I realize I no longer know how to define myself. I want to see it as freeing- Faith:Undefined. Instead I am afraid, I have no affiliations, I sat in the sun after a workout staring out at the pool, the unfamiliar campus, allowing the sun to shine down on me and choking back tears. My fear is palpable at times. There's no track team, no pi alpha, no fro-co team, no society. They are all there, they all still exist, but they are not the same. It is impossible not to notice that this affiliation inevitably has changed, if in no other way strictly because of the lack of physical space that once accompanied all of this, all of these ways in which I defined myself.

Fear is the worst, and guilt is right after. One emotion has replaced the other. Somehow I'll live with it. I'm anxious. Anxious and antsy, I can't stay still, don't feel I deserve to, don't want to be with myself for that long. I don't like the pressure I put on myself, or I don't want to face what I must do. I have so much catch up to do, I feel so unprepared to be here. but at the same time I know its the right place to be.