Ugh.
Ok, so my new years resolution might be a very good one. Thank god for the honesty of friends. My girl dead-pan and I were talking about us and men, our relationships with them etc. We’re both recently single…well not recently its been 8(me) and 6(her) months, but after 2 ½ and 5 year relationships, respectively…that’s not that long. After watching he’s just not that into you, which is a cute/funny flick but with all these sickly lovingly happy endings tied up in it, we were bemoaning our situations. The funny thing is that we both chose to be single, we both called the final shots. And not in the way that we think we did but the guy was just an ass long enough, which guys do and I hate but won’t get into right now. No. We broke the hearts of two really wonderful men whom we love; we broke their hearts. And she broke her own too. I can see them getting back together though, i think they will, they seem like they’ll get married, its just a matter of when. That’s crazy to think about, but it just makes all her in the meantime so much harder for her, I dunno how she does it, she’s a really strong chick, majority has been all long distance. I couldn’t do it.
But…since this is my blog, we’ll talk about me. So, I’m not sure how to begin so we’ll just start this way and then I’ll explain…I’m a catch.
Haha, I know I have a bit of an ego, but there’s a difference between being full of yourself and being confident, and I’m confident and its my blog, so its where I can be truthful. I aware of the fact that I am a catch, I know that I’m going places in my life, that I have my shit together pretty well, that I think and feel deeply, and that I love people very genuinely. I’ve had noting but fabulous relationships and I think that I make a very good girlfriend, I know this because I’m still more or less friends/friendly with my exes…though with the most recent that’s a bit of a stretch, sadly.
This said, this shows that I know also that I have a bit of an ego. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing or it means that I’m full of myself, not that kind of ego. But if you’re into reading about “the ego” in general and you’ve done the kind of spiritual healing stuff… power of now, pema chodren, etc type stuff then you will get where I’m coming from a bit more. So yes, I’m aware of my ego, and I do try to be very conscious about it. I think it’s part of what makes me me however. I am confident, confident of my success current and coming.
So dead-pan and I were talking about me, and I know I can be a bit of a tease/flirt and that my standards for men are also a bit ridiculous when it comes to the physical, but the issue we decided on is also that I like to be liked, which is not something I don’t think other people like as well. To try to explain, I was always told by my aunt growing up that men should be kissing your ass. Now I won’t say that I prescribe to that, but I do know that I deserve to be treated well and spoiled a bit, and I’m willing to do the same. I don’t mean spoiled monetarily or anything like that, but I’m used to being spoiled kind of emotionally, if that makes sense. I’m used to being loved. I’m used to having guys fall deep. I guess it was best put by one of my platonic guy friends, gettit, when he said “you’re the kind of chick that guys fall in love with.” To be honest that kind of scared and upset me, and goes back to the whole constantly being in relationships thing that I’ve thought about a lot since the breakup so I’m sure I’ve written about it before. But this is seeming really crazy/egotistical, so let me try to explain.
I think confidence is not only sexy but healthy. The way to be truly successful and live a well-rounded life is to be confident in yourself, to know yourself, and to like yourself. Like yourself. You know, like love yourself deeply. Love everything from your eyes to your laugh to the freckles on your face to your relationship with the sun, your artistry, your shyness in some situations, the things that make you cry. I think that you have to accept yourself because it brings a kind of consciousness that leads to all around success, understanding, leadership etc. It’s healthy to be this way. I think men and women who have something of this captured know how to treat each other. I’ve been spoiled/lucky in that I’ve found a two men who I had great and very deep relationships with who were especially like this. So, I don’t think it’s spoiled in that it’s a bad thing, but compared to the many awful, unequal, sad, or miscommunicative relationships I see around me, I know I’ve been lucky. I’ve experienced love from mature men on a level that some old people and grown adults never have. So…in this way I am spoiled. This is what I expect when dealing with men.
Okay, so if that makes sense, I like to flirt, I’m a flirtatious person, its how I am in my interactions with men. Now comes the problematic part however that dead-pan and I were talking about. I don’t really know how not to flirt. Somehow my flirtatiousness has taken over my personality. I said I have a flirtatious personality but she says that no that’s not the case because I’m not that way with girls, and this is true. So, I like to be liked, I like when I know that men are into me, find me attractive, endearing, etc. So even if I'm not really interested, I’ll still flirt. So…my resolution is to try to not lead anyone on and get myself into situations where I’m trying to figure out how to get myself out of awkwardness, avoiding people, tarnishing friendships etc. She said I should think during my interactions, do I want this person to try to get at me.
The thing that makes it hard though is that, I don’t know. Or not so much I dunno, but I’m okay with maintaining friendships with people who I know like me. Even if I don’t like them back, that’s not reason to not be friends right? But then there’s the whole guys and girls cant be friends thing.
So here is the question. If you know that every time somebody talks to you he’s gonna try to get at you, should you still be friends? I think this is where I differ from the rule, the rule I think is no, you should not. But I have trouble with that. If someone likes the same music I like, is interested in art like I am, activities that I like, etc, but might not be my type whether physically, intellectually, emotionally, maturity wise etc….I don’t want to give up the hang outs. I want to be able to meet up for coffee and an art show with Malachi on Monday because we have the day off and both really love the artist, I want to catch up with Jelani at the labor day parade, cook dinner and groove to bilal while talking philosophy with Devin, walk around the park and lay on the warm grass while talking out a paper thesis with Caleb and have that be okay. I want to be able to hang out with my guy friends exactly the same way I would with my girlfriends and have there not be any added sexual pressure. But the tension too is exciting, and this is why I know for a fact I’ll act differently with them, and this is where I’d have to make the change. Once we got to the park for example I know deadpan and I would just sit or sprawl out side-by-side and bullshit around. But with caleb I know I’d want to lean on his shoulder, or lay with my head on his lap, even if I’m not really into him like that, just cuz that’s how I am, and that’s what I’m identifying is the problem.
The problem now is, what if I don’t want to change. I love to be loved, to feel loved, to touch, to physically touch is important to me. But if my guy friend isn’t gay its not okay? But I’m being honest with myself and it’s not just any touch I like cuz I don’t feel the need to link arms or constantly lean on my girl friends. So I like guy touch. Lol, that sounds wrong, but I’m not really meaning touch like that.
Anyway...I’m not sure there is really a conclusion. But I want to go about creating friendships where both of us feel comfortable grabbing pizza, a flick, a poetry sesh etc and feel confident that we know what each other is after. I’m going to try this year, maybe it’ll change something and will strengthen my relationships with some good friends.
