early 2006.

after the first breakup.

space

lately I’ve stopped missing you

wanting you, stopped reaching out and wishing I was holding you

and most profoundly stopped resenting you

for the space that you fill

the space that you fill in my mind

the voice that I still hear in my thought

somewhere between my ears

between the thumps of my heart

between my empty fingers-that space you fill in my life

and its because you filled it-that I found myself rendered helpless

or running away from any figure who could fill it just as well

or maybe better, or even half as well

because how could I allows anyone to occupy your space

and how can I allow you, even after a year and nine months

to keep filling it

and worse expanding it-which I only just realized

cant be healthy for my heart

and I feel like because I still missed you

I was running some kind of screening process

And allowing myself to conduct so many interviews

To fill this position that cannot be filled by any other

But there’s only so much space filled with substance I don’t understand

That I can take in my life

And what I really need now is to be contained and get rid of all of the excess

And I’m sorry but yes that means your space too

That means the time, the thoughts, the tears, the reach, the wish, the hope

The waiting, the wanting, the wondering where you are and when I’ll see you again

Wondering why you don’t call, why I don’t, if I can

Why we never ever have that awkward silence

Why you think the way you do, say the things you say, and make the decisions you make

If you feel the way I do

At least at some point I know we did

The problem was the space once again

The space between us, the spaces that filled with so many other things

That we as the other couldn’t understand

The spaces that filled and changes as we changed-if we changed

And the space where we used to fit perfectly like a puzzle

Now filled with unsurity, insecurity- too much pain for us to keep trying to take the puzzle off the shelf and put it back together…

And at this point we can’t even recognize what picture it once made, so I give up

Its like spring cleaning, house cleaning, time for a yard sale

To conserve more space-cuz-maybe cuz it hurts to be so spread out?

Or maybe I’m just selfish

And tired of allocating you so much space

And feeling disappointment for one reason or another because of you

Or maybe its not selfish and I’m just tired

Just feeling so much fatigue from continuing to reserve your seat

To make this reservation for you

To stay so emotionally reserved

When its hard-when I wonder if I shouldn’t

Certain words and feelings are so heavy

And I’m just tired of feeling so weighed down

my 2nd boyfriend:

shocks

its as soon as I get back to my room and see my frizzy hair

I wonder about sticking my finger into some sort of electrical socket

No, not that

Standing in the rain and being struck by lightening

That’s what happened

I’m sure of it

Shocks though!

One after another, after another

And people must lie

Because there is something so pleasant and sweet

So giddy I can’t stop smiling from being struck

And shocked!

His smile, laugh, teeth, voice

Singing boys to men at the top of his lungs

This fuzzy headed flannel loving farm boy

Who I love to be with

Who never leaves room for a dull moment

Who makes my hair stand on end

Spins me in circles, pulls me close, winds me in and lets me go

So proud and loud, I don’t know what’s happened or what to do

Yet there’s only one thing to do-run into the air, the rain-and I love it

And soaking and dripping from electric shocks all through my body

I get back to my room and look at my frizzy hair in the mirror

And wonder why people are afraid of lightening

finding old poetry

well...i found some old poetry today.

then i dug up some more.

there's quite a bit.

some is good, some is bad

its weirdest to be reading it though and thinking about how young i was when i wrote it

this comes a year after my first heartbreak

apparently i was still experiencing the pains of it.

even now I think about you

and realize your absence is still so much a part of me

as you always were

so much of my struggle

to regain that I’m the shit reek confidence mentality

that I once could claim to myself eeked from me when I entered a room

and claim even in the humblest way

I was

I was so me

The me I was and understood myself to be

And we were so perfect

So us, so in love, so solid

And then you left and I dissolved into a little child

My life melting in my fingers like ice cream

And though it seemed simple enough

I just couldn’t do anything about it

So now I’m me without you

Struggling to merge or morph back into a whole person

Knowing things aren’t the way they once were

And maybe never will be again

And so I wonder

Who I will be

Because I will regain that confidence

It’s a struggle, but yes I will win

And I will be me even without you

Just not sure what that me begins to look like

i hadnt written for two full months and im still not sure i have the time...got a crazy headache though. perhaps ill nap and then see if i can write. i miss writing. and ive not written so much that has happened.

rain: past, present and future

when i come home it rains

it makes me think of trev

my first love

we were two kids who ran out in the rain

if it poured we dropped everything

missed class, skipped lunch, pushed off homework, ditched friends,

ours was a love that thrived in the rain

a scarily real and intense puppy love

deep thoughts, pounding heart, passionate people

who fed off each other and our love of the rain

we were thinkers, athletes, feelers, lovers

we were young and smart and full of potential

we were cutting edge

together yet open, yet hopelessly devoted

whenever i come home it rains

i come home after all-nighters, too much alcohol, finals, papers, the ends of eras

i come home after milestones are reached

i come home and sleep for days

do laundry

eat real food and cleanse my body

i come home to my parents love

to church, family, neighborhoods of grass and trees and forest

i come home to the familiar that i didn't know i missed

i come home to write

and every time i come home it rains

it rains to wash away my tiredness

my headaches, my lightheadedness

it rains to wash away the layer of dirt thats built up on my body in the form of too little sleep, too much gossip, and spreading myself too thin

the rain lets those late night conversations with the ones i love sink in

it aids how i process everything

it makes it just cold enough to wrap myself in family afghans on those big plush purple couches

the rain is home to me

every time i come home it rains and to me its a reminder of god's promise

that i have a place

that it is a familiar one

one where i belong

one where i am safe, and can stop over here to forget my troubles and halt my travels

since im always moving from place to place

i love that every time im home it rains, and i can walk barefoot on wet grass and smile up at the sky and remember, and think, and pray, and thank

love like this

i used to think my parents werent in love anymore

it was so sad to me as i pondered it

i wondered about it

how they fell out of love

how they first fell in love

was there passion

or is it just a team that works

but to see them together now

they are like kids again

i think the situation and the circumstances used to suck the life from them

they let the world get them down

now as they pray and grow

meditate and cleanse their bodies

they are step in step

sneaking snuggles they think i don't see

writing each other love notes that i stumble upon behind them

it gives me hope & reassurance

my parents are in love

i used to think i wanted a love like shihan

but now i know i want a love like this

a love that works for me

a fire that cannot be put out

i realize at times the passion may seem to wane

for a month or two

but it might just be the stress of the world

a month or two for a short relationship

might be a year or more for a long one

seeing my parents together now is a lesson i have learned

they are taught

they are teachers who never stop teaching

i want a love like this

a beautiful love that's like wine

a polar opposites

light and dark

loud and quiet

short and tall

poor & poor, but so rich

sigh

oh my gosh. is it awful that i just feel like the only outlet that will really get me out of this slump i'm feeling is sex? i mean i dont think so. i'm usually a really sexual person, the feeling i get from sex is like a cross between an amazing workout and a nice long cry, i feel so free, so carnal, so relaxed, and so refreshed. right now i just feel frustrated and overwhelmed, closed in, stuck. but i was doing the whole no sex thing...i haven't had sex for five months, and even then it was only once in the past 7 months. i'm not sure what i've learned, what I had hoped was just to be in touch with myself (not literally) and my feelings about sex and sexuality. i decided no casual sex, its not as good, and its kinda pointless. but have i accomplished anything specific? not sure I have, i've surprised a lot of my friends, but it was never about them, it was always about me, me, myself, and i, and being honest and upfront and open with myself and my desires, not using someone else as an outlet to run away from myself, though that's not quite what i think i was doing. getting out of such a long relationship just made me feel the need to refocus, and then multiple times within the refocusing period i thought i had refocused. its so weird, i'm such a relationship chick. but now what? im graduating, maybe moving across the country, and there's no one new and exciting that i'm interested in in that way right now. i just want a fling, the beginnings of the relationship, the fun stuff without the baggage of thinking about someone else and their wants and needs as much as your own. i can't do that again, not right now. sigh. oh well, i'm blessed in every other aspect of my life (and even this one, better single and happy than unhappy and/or unhealthy alone or with someone else) so i know i shouldn't be complaining, but its my blog...so i can