but i felt so much
a tear rolled down my cheek as i wondered
i wondered about that door and what it meant to the person who had painted it
people move in and out
they come and go
time passes
some are welcomed into doors with opened arms
others yelled out of doors
"don't let it hit you on the way out"
i look up at you standing heavy leaden with suitcases in the doorway
looking at me timidly
tentatively
unsure of what my response to you will be
in my mind i meet you in airports
making movie like scenes where people stop and think of how beautiful we are
touched by the contagiousness of our joy
a heeled foot perhaps or a sneaker, pops up in the air
as a bag is dropped down to the ground to relieve a heavy laden hand
my fingers intertwine with empty air
wondering if that is even what i really want
if its what i've ever wanted
if i ever will
your smile in my doorway is what i think i want
but you're a chesire cat
wonderful to be with
but its so dreadful when you are missing
and i wander alone on dark paths
thinking about the joy that they could bring
i walk barefooted, feeling the roots of trees through soft forest mud
i wiggle my toes in warm beach sand
i slide them under your body on the couch
you know my toes get cold
i see your body fading and your smile in the doorway
your chinky eyes fade slowly
and your smile now leers at me
mocking my naivete
i'm on kayak again
ever disappointed at the price of plane tickets
thinking about what it would take for me to get to you
where i would take you
where i might find you
what you look like now
snow whips around outside
i play with opacity in my mind
deciding how much of a wall it creates
how much i can see through
how soundproof it is
how well i can see you approaching through it
trudging through the snow towards me
sitting in a pale yellow house
a purple door painted with love
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